What is Clintons new Secret Service Code Name?

Unibanger.

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the Presidents cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch.

Clinton floated a strike on baseballs opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.

In The News – Edited excerpts from the LA Times

Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to American Politicians, White House interns, Amtrak, American sports stars, and supermodels.

Well folks, the rain is on hold for a few days, but … Legislators in Sacramento voted to change the state song from I Love You California to Paul Simons Slip Slidin Away.

President Clinton says he approaches everything Saddam Hussein says with a great degree of skepticism. Pretty much the same way we approach everything Clinton says. (Letterman)

American forces in the Persian Gulf went back to full alert when Hussein announced he would honor his latest UN inspection agreement as faithfully as Clinton honored his wedding vows.

Newsweek magazine says Monica Lewenskys resume lists one of her duties at the White House as training the new interns. Thats not surprising. If you were Bill Clinton, wouldnt YOU want her to train the new intern? (Leno)

In a recent survey, when teenagers were asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44% said at the White House gift shop.

President Clinton recently attended four fund raisers in New York. Let me see if I understand… the president attended four fund raisers to raise funds to defend himself for his fund raising scandals …

Lent began Wednesday. This is the 40 day period that honor Jesus suffering and agony at the hands of a special prosecutor. (Maher)

The US mens hockey team was so upset after being eliminated from the Olympics that members trashed a hotel room. Its the most embarrassing incident about an American sports figure not inviolving biting, choking a coach, double murder or having sex with a flight attendant. (Leno)

At the Grammy Awards, David Letterman was overheard saying, Marilyn Manson, this is Hanson, Hanson, this is Manson, Manson, Hanson, Hanson, Manson …

Dr. Jack Kevorkian attended another suicide last week. Hes not the only way to go you know… for $10 million, Democrats will poison your White House coffee, let you die in the Lincoln bedroom and bury you at Arlington.

A train in Japan broke the world speed record of 280 mph. This breaks the previous unofficial record of 275 mph set by an Amtrak train. Of course, the Amtrak train was clocked while plummeting off a cliff, so it doesnt really count.

New research says that when it comes to low cholesterol diets, extremes are not good. This comes from the American Pork Rinds Council.

The manager of a Los Angeles waste treatment plant wants to open a sewage museum. Hopefully it isnt interactive. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Rap star Q-Tips house in New Jersey caught fire. Fortunately, he was able to escape safely with the rest of his family, A through P Tip.

A recent decision to carry heart defibrillators on airplanes saved a passengers life on a Dallas flight. Unfortunately, his HMO only covers coronaries on round trip flights purchased 14 days in advance with a Staurday stay over.

Distress signals from the doomed Titanic were auctioned off this week. If you missed out on this deal, another collection of distress calls is available for only $16.99. Its Michael Boltons new CD of opera arias.

Saxophonist Kenny G recently set a record by playing one note for more than 45 minutes. Now he too is cashing in – he sold the recording to a car alarm company.

I actually waited and watched all the credits of Titanic. Included at the end was this, No iceburgs were harmed in the making of this film.

Burger King has introduced the Big King sandwich. For an extra 10 cents they sprinkle alfalfa sprouts on top, and call it the Don King.

In Iowa, a jury awarded $80 million to a woman who sued UPS. Unfortunately, the woman wasnt home when they delivered the money, so they left it with a neighbor. (OBrien)

Investors plan to convert Andy Warhols old studio into a theme restaurant. It will only be open for 15 minutes.

Supermodel Elle Macpherson gave birth to a boy last weekend. Seven Pounds, 8 ounces. No work yet on how much the baby weighs.

And finally, the American Association for Nude Recreation says the number one favorite activity among nudists is swimming. The least favorite is raising honeybees. (Leno)

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter."Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion… it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers wont dig into the ground." The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!""Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! Were gettin farther away from our truck!"

Secret Service are agents expected to testify that Monica Lewinsky was in the
oval office with the President unescorted for 40 minutes, But everything
was O.K, she was just giving the President a debriefing.

What position did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House?

Missionary

A – Bill Clinton

B – Warren G. Harding

C – Andrew Jackson

D – Thomas Jefferson

E – Lyndon B. Johnson

F – John F. Kennedy

G – Franklin D. Roosevelt

H – George Washington





1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?



2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?



3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?



4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wifes half sister?



5. Which president called his mistress Pookie?



6. Which president married a woman who hadnt yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?



7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbors wife while he was engaged to someone else?



8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first ladys personal secretary?



9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?



10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?



11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more impressive (i.e. numerous) than the Presidents?



12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?







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ANSWERS



1. F

2. A

3. E

4. D

5. A

6. C

7. H, E

8. G, F

9. B

10. F

11. E

12. E

Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says Im going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.
Of course Clinton doesnt want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.