A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?

The Officer replies, The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and hes all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers.

Im walking around taking up a collection for him.

Oh really?

How much have you collected so far?

Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.

Butterball Turkey Talk-Line…



Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because theyre heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (Will it cook faster if I drive faster?), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!



Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the birds body cavity and couldnt get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!



Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesnt have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called Turkey Central for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.



Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, How do you thaw a fresh turkey? The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys arent frozen and dont need to be thawed.



Dont wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the Be prepared motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.



Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff cant. (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)



Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, I dont know, its still running around outside.



Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isnt Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.



White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.



A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting tim

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: Whats the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didnt you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

Written by a Viet Nam Vet

GOD BLESS AMERICA!



In Memory of The Twin Towers



Warning song to Osama bin Laden

(the tune of Rawhide)



The devil came from nowhere

He attacked us from the sky.



He bloodied up our nation

didnt give a reason why.



Now hes placed a spear in our eye

said its done it Allahs name



So Gods coming lookin for him

And hes got himself to blame.



No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.



You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.



Just go hidin in your hills

Youll be buried in your caves.



Youll get what youve got comin now

For being Satans slaves.



Youve woke the sleeping giant

From his legendary sleep



Now with open roar like lions

Theres one promise he will keep



No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.



Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.



So dont close your eyes a moment

Cause you surely see death there.



Dont waste your time in moanin

You just havent got a prayer.



You chose to terrify the world

with your sensely killing spree



Brought violence into our lives

Placed hate inside of me.



No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.



Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.



In this peaceful loving Nation

Home of brave and of the free



All are calling up your number

over land and over sea



We have seen the vileness in your soul

the horrors you create



Now this angry nations coming

look around were at your gate



No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.



Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.



Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, George, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.

President Bush said, Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.

The Iranian whispered My son watches this show Star Trek and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Asian, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesnt understand why there arent any Arabs on Star Trek.

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, Its because it takes place in the future.

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, little Johnny.

The teacher asks little Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, Im not a Bush fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a Bush fan? Johnny says, Because Im a Clinton fan.

The teacher asks why hes a Clinton fan. The boy says, Well, my moms a Clinton fan and my dads a Clinton fan, so Im a Clinton fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, What if youre mom was a moron and youre dad was an idiot, what would that make you?

Johnny says, That would make me a Bush fan!

Rejected Holiday Specials

As presented on the 12/10/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Gallagher Smashes Melons in Bethlehem
A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson
Fox TVs When Reindeer Attack!
A Country Holiday with Martha Stewart and a Bunch of Actors Pretending to Be Her Family
The Grinch Who Nailed Mrs. Claus
Christmas at Rikers Island: Its A Wonderful 10-Years-to-Life
Bob Dole Remembers the Very First Christmas
Skunk n Gators Holiday Fiesta
The President Who Ate Christmas
Richard Simmons Fruitcake Extravaganza