POLITICIAN – A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.

From: Lela Lowe – llowe@admin.aurora.edu

Jay Leno: This is a rough election year. … Huffingtons illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinsteins illegal nanny
(Tonight, NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party.
(Late Show, CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the ugly campaign: You look at some of these races around the country and you think its just a damn shame somebody has to win.
Letterman: President Clinton is the only president weve ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesnt know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother
(Late Show, CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein the Thelma and Louise of CA politics: Thats got to be tough being attacked by the Forrest Gump of American politics.
Leno: You can tell the candidates are getting desperate in the last hours of the campaign. Yesterday, Ollie North stopped lying and Chuck Robb slept with his own wife
(Tonight, NBC, 11/7).
Conan OBrien, on George Foreman knocking out Michael Moorer: Its amazing that a guy in his mid-forties, who cant stop eating cheeseburgers is that powerful. I mean, besides President Clinton
(Late Night, NBC, 11/7).
From: Orlando Doc Griego – ovgcsu@lamar.colostate.edu

A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1.

The man thinks a minute and says, Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed. She says, So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle.



Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.

Bill Clinton virus – System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, medium.

Then the waiter said, how about your vegetable? Hillary replied, Oh, he can order for himself.

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

Submitted by Glenn S.
I Wore What You Did Last Summer

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

Shes Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims its a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesnt care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget its there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWont let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virusSaves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkain virusSearches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Sony Bono virusJust when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere
Martha Stewart virusTakes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little dollies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virusYour 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virusEvery 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virusEvery 3 minutes it reminds you that youre paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virusTerminates and stays resident; Itll be back
Viagra virusTurns your floppy drive into a hard drive

I think therefore I am (not a Democrat…)

10. Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?
9. Boy this is fun! You now, it really ought to be easier for people to get guns.
8. Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba.
7. It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed state troopers.
6. You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks Im duck hunting.
5. Mr. President, Dominos says they cant deliver to a duck blind.
4. Trust me, Roger, itll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run around in the weeds.
3. When youre shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot.
2. Lets shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches.
1. Get me some coffee, Dukakis!

Clinton bumps into a new intern in the hall. He stops, stares at her
a moment and then asks are you new here?

The intern replies Why yes, I am, this is my second day.

I thought so, said Clinton, I didnt think I had come across your face
before…

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?
Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?
What did he say? Bush asked.
He said, thats me, so I hired him. Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. Thanks, Mikhail. Thats a great idea. As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
Dan, he said, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother? Quayle looked rather puzzled. Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President? He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldnt get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, Ill ask Jim Baker. Hes a smart guy. Quayle called Baker on the phone.
Jim, Ive got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
That would be me, Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
Thanks, Jim. Youve helped me out big time. He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. Mr. President, I have the answer!
Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?
Its Jim Baker! said Quayle.
No, said Bush. Its Shevardnadze.