A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this seems worse than usual.

He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, whats the hold-up?

The officer replied, The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So were taking up a collection for him.

The lobbyist asks, How much have you got so far?

The officer replies, About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning.

Be amazed 🙂

Mr. Starr:

I am Starr, Star I are.

Im a brilliant barri-star.

Im here to ask, as youll soon see,

Did you grope Miss Lew-in-ski?

Did you grope her in your house?

Did you grope beneath her blouse?

Did she give you gifts and ties?

Were you spied by prying eyes?



Mr. Clinton:

I did not do that here or there!

I did not do that anywhere!

I did not do that in a chair!

I went not near her giant hair!

I did not join — even for fun —

The Mile High Club in Air Force One.

So stow your feathers and your tar.

I did not do her, Starr you are!



Mr. Starr:

Did you smile? Did you flirt?

Did you peek beneath her skirt?

And did you tell the girl to lie

When called upon to testify?



Mr. Clinton:

That is it; youve gone too far!

I do not like you, Starr you are!

I will not answer any more;

In fact, I think Ill start a war!

The publics easy to distract,

When bombs are falling on Iraq!



Mr. Starr:

Mr. President, confess, did you make a sticky mess?

A mess on Miss Lewinskis dress?

A mess she holds so near and dear

She saved it as a souvenir?

And may I take a cell or two from you

And prove that one and one makes two?



Mr. Clinton:

I do not like this, Starr you are,

And I admit you went too far

And I did things with sweet Miss L.

Too inappropriate to tell.

A valiant battle we have fought,

Apologies are what you sought,

Im very sorry I got caught!

Winston Peters is visiting a school.
In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offersthat, if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.
No, Winston says, That would be an ACCIDENT.
A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy. Im afraid not, explains Winston, that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.
The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. What? asks Winston, isnt there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.
Wonderful! Winston beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy? Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly wouldnt be a great loss!

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, Now, theres the biggest horses ass Ive ever seen. A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. Shes a horses ass too, the man said. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

Damn it! the man said, climbing back up to the bar. This must be Bush country! Nope, the bartender replied. Horse country!

Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care wont be?

Clinton is on the beach at Marthas Vinyard and finds that an old bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.

Genie: Hi Bill. Im a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish–it had better be easy if you want me to do it.

Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.

Genie: Thats a little hard, give me something easier.

Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?

Genie: World peace it is.

We know about movies like Collateral Damage, that were scheduled for release but were pulled because of 9/11, causing major headaches for studios. But what about all the books that were written before 9/11 and then had to be scrapped?

Giuliani: Why He Could Never Handle a Huge Crisis

Our Fear-Free, Pampered, Celebrity-Obsessed, Self-Indulgent, Insular American World: Why It Will Go On Like This Forever

Carry On: Its Time To Stop All This Unnecessary Airport Security

Religious Fundamentalism: The Last Best Hope to Bring Peace to the World

Mommy, I Feel Too Safe: How to Raise Children in a Boring World

Hosed: Are Firemen Really All That Brave, Or Is It Just a Bunch Of Hype?

How to Find a Great Name for Your Speed-Metal Band, by Joey Belladonna of Anthrax

Jihad? Wasnt She On Moesha?: 100 Hilarious Jokes About Americans Ignorance of World Affairs and Other Cultures

The Death of CNN: Why The All-News Format Failed

Stem Cell Research: George W. Bushs defining moment

How to Look Afghan

Take a Powder!: The kids guide to de-electronizing finely milled granular substances

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton invested all the turkey.

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that
she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president
has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they,
too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises
their hands except one little girl.

Mary, says the teacher with surprise, why didnt you raise your
hand?

Because Im not a Republican, says Mary.

Well, what are you then? asks the teacher.

Im a Democrat and proud of it, replies the little girl.

The teacher cannot believe her ears. My goodness, Mary, why are you a
Democrat? she asks.

Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so Im a Democrat, too.

Well, says the teacher in an annoyed tone, thats no reason for you
to be a Democrat. You dont always have to be like your parents. What
if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what
would you be then?

Mary smiled, Then wed be Republicans.