In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?

Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Clinton wants to open a chain of cigar shops after he leaves office.

He is going to call them, Poke Em and Smoke Em.

A couple of weeks before being sworn in, George W. Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. Just think, he said, when I am President, Ill get to have a gold urinal!

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the Presidents private bathroom, the president had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, Well, I found out who pissed in your saxophone.

Are Major Asteroid As Dangerous As Predicted? The Answer Arrives in 2003

London (SatireWire.com) — Disappointed after failing to take advantage of Earths relatively near miss with a large asteroid on Monday, scientists today excitedly unveiled what they called an asteroid chute that they said will direct the next massive space object directly into Earths path, where it can be studied more closely.

Scientists hope the redirected asteroid, now expected to strike Earth by June of 2003, will also settle a pair of long-running debates: Did an asteroid cause the extinction of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago? And what size must an asteroid be in order for it to render a planet uninhabitable?

According to Michael Banio of Great Britains Royal Astronomical Society, asteroid 2001 YB5 passed within 375,000 miles of Earth on Monday, but it was still too far away for useful studies to be conducted. And because YB5 was not discovered until December, scientists did not have time to prepare for its arrival. However, using electron particle impulses emitted by a modified NASA satellite early this morning, British and American astrophysicists said they successfully nudged the next asteroid, a kilometer-wide giant theyve labeled 2002 CUL8R, directly into Earths path.

Asked what impact CUL8R will have, NASA astrophysicist Karen Lurg excitedly hesitated to speculate.

Well, were not sure, and thats the beauty of it, she said. What we think will happen is, the ECO (Earth Crossing Object), which most likely has an iron/nickel core, will slam into Earth with the force of roughly 1 million nuclear bombs. But now well be able to test that hypothesis.

The 1 million nuclear bombs is an average postulation, by the way, she added. Some say 2 million. Others, believe it or not, say only 15,000. I think those folks are going to have egg on their faces when its all said and done.

The non-scientific community, however, failed to share Lurgs interest. Moments after the announcement, the United Nations Security Council demanded that CUL8R be directed away from Earth immediately, and dozens of international leaders called the chute catastrophically irresponsible and just bad science.

Scientists were quick to label the reaction typical laymens myopia.

Every 10 million years, an object at least 1km across smashes into Earth, so its inevitable that someday its going to happen, said Banio. By steering such objects toward us now and studying the results close up, we will be better prepared for that eventuality.

Meanwhile, Heinrich Voom, director of the Los Alamos National Laboratory, bristled at the charges of capriciousness. Far from being irresponsible, we plan to strictly adhere to the Scientific Method; that is: Observe. Hypothesize. Predict. Test. Repeat until there are no discrepancies left, he said.

Its the no discrepancies left part that bothers me, countered U.S. Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge.

Voom acknowledged that CUL8R may not settle every question. Three years ago, scientists at Los Alamos predicted an asteroid three miles across that strikes the mid-Atlantic Ocean would produce a tidal wave that would cover the East Coast of the United States to the Appalachian Mountains. It would also envelop the coasts of France and Portugal. Voom conceded CUL8R is not large enough to adequately test this model. However, he insisted, even a small tidal wave that only destroys Portugal would be useful in devising further experiments with the asteroid chute.

Portuguese President Jorge Sampaio, however, said he would rather the model remain in the hypothetical stage. I do not want to be a resolved discrepancy, he said.

Sampaio added that if the asteroid must come, he wished it would come now and get it over with, but Voom said the rock should not be rushed.

If we were to increase the asteroids speed, we would not have enough time to apply for several multi-million-dollar grants well need to study its impact, he explained. That is what I would call bad science.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called the George Bush Watch and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says, It doesnt need hands. Youre supposed to read his lips.

He then looks at a watch called the Ross Perot Watch and notices that it isnt running – the sales clerk tells him it runs, it doesnt run, it runs, it doesnt run…

He then notices a watch called the Bill Clinton Watch and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies $19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax…

Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of Washington D.C. He
notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this and calls out, Fifty dollars!

He is tempted, but the price is a little high. So he calls back, Five!

She is disappointed and turns away, and Bill continues his jog.

A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck would
have it, the prostitute is still there. But she doesnt want to come down on her
price. Fifty! she shouts.

Bill answers, Five! No sale.

About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get in shape, so she
demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy part of town and the same
prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells, See
what you get for five dollars!

One of the nations largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, Clinton Soup, that will honor one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!



Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.



When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: I dont know, I never had one.



If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?

Bill Clinton replied, No, some begin with After Im elected.



Clintons mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.



American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as Walking Eagle because he is so full of crap he cant fly.



Clinton only lacks three things to become one of Americas finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.



Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.



Revised judicial oath: I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.



Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.



WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?



Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:

I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.



No problem says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.

Done says the Wizard.



Who comes next before the Great Wizard?

Up steps George Bush sadly, Im told by the American people that I

need a heart.



Ive heard its true says the Wizard. Consider it done.



Then there is a great silence.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesnt say a word.



Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?



And Willie replies – Is Dorothy around?

A man who had raped 5 women, who had killed 10 men with his bare hands, who had molested 15 children and who had voted for democrats died. As per the age old practise the Satan let him choose the fashion in which he was to spend all eternity.

Behind this first door was the old familiar room with a floor of knobbed iron. As far as the eye could see, there were people standing on their heads. The iron knobs dug into their skulls and the man shuddered as he heard their pathetic moans of pain. Not for me, he said, and slammed the door.

The second door as again you know was leading to a vast room with more people standing on their heads, this time on a hard wood floor, rife with splinters. The man backed away from the cries of pain and slammed this door as well.

Finally, with sinking heart, the man opened the third door. Here an entirely different sight met his eyes: In this room Mr. Clinton was having a jolly good time naked in bed with Julia Roberts. This is great, The man thought to himself I would love to do this

So he turned to the Prince of Darkness and told him this was his choice. The Devil smiled some more and pushed the man into the room, turned to Julia and said This man has chosen this room Julia, so you get to leave this room now to make way for this man. Lucky you!

Monicas nickname for bill: Sir Blow-alot