You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
You have to believe that the same teacher who cant teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earths climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
You have to believe that hunters dont care about nature, but loony activists whove never been outside of Seattle do.
You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinmen are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides arent.
You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasnt worked anywhere its been tried, is because the right people havent been in charge.
You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

Q: Whats the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!

Jack Benny was for about 50 years one of the USAs favorite comedians. One of his gimmicks was to play the violin badly (the audience would boo and laugh).

Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped him and asked, Whats in that case?

To be funny, Benny replied, A machine-gun.

Thank goodness, deadpanned the guard, I was afraid it was your violin!

Post a message asking how to post messages.Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as ** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? **Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll.Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesnt yet have its own sex group.Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.Start this weeks new AOL virus rumor.Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible micro chips in your genitals.Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your followup flames.Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you dont read the group.Inform the readers of the sex groups that theyre going straight to hell, and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncles ex-girlfri

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said Nice pigs, Sir!



The President replied These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.



The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, Nice trade, Sir!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is Politics?Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her The Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you The People. The nanny, we will consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him The Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.The father says, Great son! Tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.The little boy replies, The President is screwing The Working Class while The Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and The Future is in deep sh*t

Q: What would happen if Clinton took Viagra?

A: Hed get taller

There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.

6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, its whats for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings I Cant Help Lovin Dat Man
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Carl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nations economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

What does Clinton consider to be safe sex?

Secret service agents outside the door.