Osama Bush Laden

Q: Whats the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?

A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Monica Lewinski walks into a cleaners carrying her blue dress. After she
dropped it off for it to be cleaned and was about to walk out the door,
the little chinese man behind the counter said, Come again!

No Monica says, This time its mayonaise!

No Penis = No Problems
Bitchy?!? You aint seen NOTHING yet!
I Wont Screw *You*, Either
Help Wanted: Male interns
Hey, youd run, too, if *you* were Bill Clintons wife.
Hillary for Senate: Because Bubbas Alimony Just Aint Gonna Cut It
As Portrayed By Emma Thompson!
Building a Bridge Away From My Husband
Cmon — Just to Spite Ken Starr
Keeping It In My Pants Since 1973!
Well *I* Certainly Never Had Sex With That Woman, Miss Lewinsky

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogan…

I Got Your Senate Candidate Right Here!

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com ]

A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween, but he couldnt get door-to-door with his pants around his ankles.

Bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:

Clinton: We forgive you… Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.

Madam, said the sales manager, the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!

She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, Nelson. The radio responded, Ricky or Willie? She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, thats what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying On The Road Again when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

Idiot! she yelled and, from the radio, Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.

In recent days, much has been written about the change in our national mood, and how the tragic attacks will affect the entertainment industry.

After consulting with industry leaders, we have taken the initiative and drafted the following guidelines for comedy and for action movies. These rules are effective as of October 1.

COMEDY RULES

Until further notice, all violent humor is to be replaced by sexist humor.

Similarly, all ethnic humor is to be replaced by obesity humor.

Jokes about death are to be replaced by jokes about long-term illness.

Jokes about long-term illness are to be replaced by jokes about minor injury.

Any stand-up comic who does a routine about airplanes is to be accompanied onstage by a federal marshal. (We should have done this years ago.)

No comedy is to be directed at countries with valuable airspace.

From now on, irony can only be deployed when referring to the following:

black flies in Chardonnays
free rides when youve already paid
death row pardons two minutes too late

Dick Cheneys heart condition is off-limits for comedians. However, his imminent liver failure is fair game.

President George W. Bush is off-limits: He could prove to be a strategic ally in our fight against the Taliban.

Comedy about violent Islamic extremists should not impugn all of the innocent violent extremists of other faiths.

WARNING! Comedy = Tragedy + Time. If you tell jokes about the recent tragedies, you will be hurled into the distant future.

Caution: Do not go overboard on cheap sentiment. Robin Williams is still excommunicated from the community of civilized comics. We will not distinguish between Robin Williams and the entertainment executives who harbor him.

UPCOMING ACTION FILMS

Fists of Furry

Eight hours. Two arms. Three teddy bears. Can one man hug them for the entire duration? Yes. Yes he can. Will they continue to provide nightlong comfort in this time of fear and uncertainty? Yes. Yes they will.

Attack of the Cleansing Rainwater

A crack team of large clouds — which bear no resemblance to humans with guns — falls gently on a Missouri hill. Dont worry: This could never happen in real life.

The Call

A covert cell of radical Islamic fundamentalists has been secretly praying for peace around the world. Only one man can answer their calls: the all-knowing and merciful Allah.

Cybil Libertease

Shes a dancer. Shes a stripper. Shes our nations most prized possession. But are we willing to sacrifice her for increased security? I dont know, but she sure can strip!

The Mongoose and the Cobra

The Mongoose and the Cobra are friends. They do not fight. They spoon in bed. They gently chuckle at their differences. When they argue, Mongoose may savagely flash his fangs and Cobra may spray deadly spittle, but eventually everything works out fine.

Hell On Earth

A breathtaking documentary about chocolate ice cream and how amazingly yummy it is.

ALTERATIONS FOR SENSITIVITY

Manhattan

Woody Allens celebrated classic will now contain no images of Manhattan.

The Die Hard trilogy

No skyscrapers, airplanes or bombs shown. Running time of trilogy: four minutes, 19 seconds.

Friends

The character Ross is now left-handed.

Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.