In a kingdom far far away, and a long long time ago, a party was being given. To this party the king had invited everyone in the kingdom to his castle. And everyone was having a grand time. The wine was flowing, the tables were overflowing with food, and the dancing was beautiful.

Suddenly, out of thin air a gnarled old man appeared out of thin air. His hands clutched in tight fists by his body, smoke streaming from his shoulders, he walked up to the king and said, How dare you have a party and not invite your own court wizard! For this insult I curse this castle with the dreaded Curse of the Fingers. Anyone who attempts to leave here will be rendered limb from limb by huge disembodied fingers!

The wizard waved his bony arms about and shouted in a guttural foreign language. There!, he said and vanished.

All at once, the people of the kingdom looked to their king. What would he do? How could he save them. The king pursed his lips and looked about him. Finally, he turned to his knights and asked for a volunteer to ride to the next kingdom and plead with their wizard to remove the curse. Of course all of the knights wished to go. The king selected the knight with the greatest seniority and sent him on his way.

The knight gathered up all his weapons, put on his best suit of armour and headed out. As soon as his foot stepped off of the drawbridge, gigantic yellow fingers appeared from nowhere and ripped him limb from limb.

One after another, each knight attempted to ride out of the castle, each one in turn was ripped to shreds. Finally, no knights were left.

The king looked about him. Is there anyone else who would brave this curse and rescue us from this horrible curse?, he said.

I will, sir!, said a small boy who had been serving one of the knights before he died.

The small boy packed up his belongings and provisions for the journey. Since he was a poor serving boy, and had no horse, he knew he would have to walk. But he was determined to succeed. As soon as he crossed the drawbridge, the yellow fingers appeared and tried to rip him apart. They couldnt! Each time the tried to grab him, the boy wriggled free and continued on his journey!

Several days later, the boy was back at the castle with the neighbouring kingdoms wizard. The king was overjoyed to have the curse lifted and he called the boy to him.

How did you escape from those monstrous fingers? All my knights couldnt get past them and they were killed. How could you do it?

The boy looked up at the king and replied, Your majesty, it occurred to me as the last knight was being killed that the only way to escape this curse was to LET YOUR PAIGES DO THE WALKING THROUGH THE YELLOW FINGERS.

Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day. Small medium at large.

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after hed lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

Well…tell me! he demanded.

The policeman said, We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wifes body this morning in San Francisco Bay.

OH MY GOD!, said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, Whats the good news?

Well, said the policeman, When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

Huh? he said, not understanding. So, whats the great news?

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.

Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other, So how do you drive this thing?

A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage? she asked.

No, thanks, replied the vultures. Theyre carrion.

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didnt have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named Yewin.

The other man argued adamantly. No, No, No! Its not wetter Yewin that counts… its how you ply the gum!

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear. I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a gullible public and gave him a poke in the nose. You can probably guess the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium.

It seems that Mary Poppins has moved to California. She has started a business telling peoples fortunes. But, she doesnt read palms or tea leaves, she smells ones breath. That, right, the sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert Halitosis.

Most people dont know that back in 1912 Hellmans mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate(desperados) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo.