Bill was short of money and was out looking for a job. Pastor Nelson offered Bill $500 to buy paint and paint the church. Well Bill went out bough some paint and started painting the church. He discovered that he was using more paint than he expected so the added some thinner to the paint, well it is still covered but not as well as it did at first. Well he still was using more paint than he wanted to use so he added still more thinner to the paint. Well the paint was too thin cover well but Bill still kept on painting. All of a sudden there was a bolt of lighting and a loud voice from the sky proclaimed, Repaint and thin no more.

There was once a very influential farmer in a remote part of China, who had a problem. His chickens were losing their feathers and dying. H sought the counsel of the two wise men in town, Hing, who was scientist, and Ming, who was a sorcerer.

Hing, who has had man advanced course hours in poultry science, consults the classic text in poultry disease, Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Diseases of Chickens, But Were Afraid to Ask. In the book Hing finds a reference to the report of a study showing that feeding the chickens with an infusion of gum tree leaves is often a remedy for chickens losing their feathers. Meanwhile Ming reads obscure writings of ancient wise men, he meditates, and he reads tarot cards and examines the entrails of a pig. Getting no inspiration he uses his old standby, reading tea leaves. In a spark of discovery, it comes to him that an infusion of gum tree leaves is the cure.

So the two wise men report back to the influential Chinese farmer. Ming says, As gum sticks to tables and chairs, so shall an infusion of gum tree leaves make feathers stick to chickens. Hing agrees, saying Studies show that infusions of gum tree leaves alleviate feather loss in chickens. The influential Chinese farmer is ecstatic, for the two wisest men in town are of a single mind. He decides to follow their recommendation. It does not work.

Moral of the Story: All of Hings courses and all of Ming ken couldnt get gum tea to feather a hen.

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

What did you do that for? Asked a passing giraffe.

Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.

Wow, what a memory commented the giraffe.

Yes, said the elephant, turtle recall.

A frog went to get a loan at a bank.

The loan officers name was Ms. Patty Stack. When the frog told Ms. Stack that he wanted a loan, she asked if he had colateral.

He showed her something that, to her, looked like a marbel and said this is what I have for colateral.

She took it to the bank president and said theres a frog out there who wants a loan, and this is what he has for colateral (showing him the marbel).

She said do you know what this is, and should I give him the loan? The bank president said why, thats a nic nac, Patty Stack; give that frog a loan.

Theres this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following sign: This parking space belongs to the Wizard. … Violators will be toad.

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, I want to join the Mafia.

The guy answers, You ever kill any one for money?

Artie answers, No.

The guy says, Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money.

So Artie says, How much will you pay me?

The guy says, Im not gonna pay you.

Artie says, Cmon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in.

The guy says, Okay, Ill tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, Ill pay you a dollar.

Artie says, Oh thank you, thank you! and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that shes lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he cant out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

Certainly madam, he replied courteously.

Is the restaurant open still? inquired Mary.

Sorry, no, came the reply, but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please, said Mary.

Certainly madam, he replied.

And can I have breakfast in bed? asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

Morning madam…sleep well?

Yes, thank you, Mary replied.

Food to your liking?

Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I dont think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really werent that nice at all, replied Mary truthfully.

Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion, said the receptionist.

OK, I will…thanks! replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!

Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a extrodinary guy so he was dubbed Special Ross. After that there was a hefty, overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to nickname him Leonard Cheeks. Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at which they feverously picked and scratched.

What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them: Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin bunions, on a Sesamee Street bus!