A redneck wanted to learn how to skydive. He got an Instructor and started lessons. The Instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The Instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The red neck understood and was ready.

The time came for the redneck to jump from the plane. The instuctor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane, and after being in the air for a few seconds he pulled the rip cord.

The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, while franticly trying to get his parachute open, dropped like a brick right past the redneck.

The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his own parachute, So you wanna race, huh?

John, Brian, and Martin were sitting on the front porch, drinking a little shine, and talking about their dumb ole hillbilly wives.

You know, boys, my wife Judi is SO stupid. She went down to the store tother day and bought an air-conditioner! Hell, boys, we aint got no lectricity!

The other two just howl with laughter.

Brian the Miniature says, Hell, that aint nothing — my dumbass wife went down to the store and bought herself a washing machine! We aint got no runnin water!

That one nearly slayed em.

Martin wiped the tears from his eyes and said, Well, I reckon my brides GOT to be the stupidest of the bunch, boys. tother day I was snooping thru her purse to find me a couple dollars to play some poker with. I found six or seven rubbers — hell, she aint got no dick!

You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.

You just might possibly be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger than your head.

You might be a redneck if…
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewarts wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, Here, you hold this high so I can see what Im doing.

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

Whoa there Scotty! said the doctor. Dont be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think theres yet another wee one to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

No, no, dont be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems theres yet another one besides! cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: Do ya think its the light thats attractin them?

Mom, how did I get my name?

asked a boy I name all my children after the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your sisters name is Running Deer and your brothers name is Crawling Lizard. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word Timbuktu.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to Georgia on My Mind.

You call your boss Buddy, on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.