You might be a redneck if…
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You have ever shot a possum on your porch.

You dont use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you cant see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors dogs when they get into it.

You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "whats the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "Whats the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

You participate in the who can spit tobacco the farthest contest.

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

Youve never paid for a haircut.

You might be a Redneck if…

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, The feud is back on!

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room.

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Your wifes hairdo attracts bees.

Your babys first words are Attention K-Mart shoppers.

The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.

You picked your teeth from a catalog.

Youve ever financed a tattoo.

You might be a redneck if…
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Q: What do a redneck divorce and a tornado have in common?

A: Either way somebody loses a trailer home!

You know youre a redneck if your wife wants to take a bath but you have to move the transmision from the tub first.

You know youre a red neck when you go to family reunions to pick up chicks!

If youve been married three times and your in-laws aint changed then you might just be a redneck.

If a sign reads say no to crack and you pull up your pants then you might just be a redneck.

You know you are redneck when you mow your lawn and find a car.

You know you are redneck when your favorite shirt is illegal in more then 15 states.

You know you are redneck when you shut your car door and your gun makes you a sun-roof.

You know you are redneck when your friends go water skiing while you are towing your boat to the lake.

You might be a redneck if your exhaust system incorporates more than three wire hangers and at least two juice cans.

You might be a redneck if you think fat-free means undoing your belt and the first 3 buttons.

You know youre a redneck when you think marriage vows are what your father-in-law promised to do to you if you didnt marry his daughter.

You might be a redneck if an intimate evening at home consists of sharing the remote.

You might be a redneck if its easier to rotate your home than your TV antenna.

You might be a redneck if you use old newspapers in more than 3 ways in your home.

You know youre a redneck if you stare at the Orange Juice container because it says Concentrate.

You know youre a redneck when some one yells hoe down and your wife drops to the floor!

You might be a redneck if you can relate to the following statements:

1) Nothing says lovin like lovin’ your cousin!

2) Why go across town when you can go across the hall?

3) If you cant keep it in the pants then keep it in the family.

You know youre a redneck when your family tree is a wreath.

You know your a redneck when your town priest is also your town plummer.

You know youre a redneck when youre front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

You have a home that is mobil and 14 cars that arent.

You know youre a redneck when you have seven cars in your driveway, but only one works.

What was the last thing the redneck said before he died?

Hey yall, watch this!

You know your a redneck if your Thanksgiving turkey was once a family pet!

You might be a redneck if you wear cowboy boots with shorts.

If your toddler has more teeth than you, you might just be a redneck.

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzens head now overlooks Bubbas fireplace. 4. You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. 5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I herd dat! 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off! The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Its a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, youll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. If I were you, Id make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer and Bing Crosbys Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judds All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It. Sincerely Yours, Santa ClausNorth American Fairies and Elves Local 209

You might be a redneck if…
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.