Are you a wealthy and successful suit-and-tie yuppie businessman who has always had a secret dream that you would one day become a redneck?
Have you always wanted to be a Bubba, but didn’t know how?
Is there an inner Cletus inside just hollering to get out?
Well, now you CAN be a redneck!
You will only have to purchase the following: one pair of overalls, one pack of chewing tobacco and six cases of beer. That’s all you will need to start!
Caution: These instructions MUST be followed in your BUSINESS OFFICE.
1) You are a dignified, well-groomed yuppie executive with an important professional job; therefore, as you read this, it is assumed you are wearing a pair of well-polished $800 Brooks Brothers black dress shoes and silk socks, a $2,000 pinstriped Armani business suit tailored for you, a $150 silk necktie with matching pocket square and suspenders, a starched white shirt, monogrammed cufflinks, silver tiepin and a Rolex.
FIRST, untie and remove high-and-mighty mirror-shined leather shoes. Peel off fancy socks.
DO THIS NOW! It is NOT optional!
Be warned: these shoes and socks have been vital to your identity until now, so don’t deceive yourself – this will be a challenge. They MUST be removed to move forward into the wonderful new world that awaits you.
Note: This will also work with Johnston & Murphy wingtips or those Italian loafers with those little tassels on them.
2) Stuff silk socks in shiny shoes and drop in garbage can.
3) *URGENT* Do not, under any circumstances, put shoes back on.
You MUST remain barefoot.
If you fail, return to step one. This will take discipline! This is where most would-be bubbas fail! You will be tempted to put them back on – resist this!
Note: You may feel embarrassed or concerned about your dignity. At any time, you may call our hotline and we will provide support from bona fide bubba counselors. Your dignity will soon disappear – do not worry!
4) This will be your greatest challenge: Prop bare feet on polished office desk, with soles facing open office door. Do NOT remove feet from desk, even when co-workers, clients and/or boss enter office.
Remove cufflinks and scratch soles of feet with them when others enter office and during office conference. Put cufflinks back on.
Use necktie to wipe nose.
Use tiepin and/or collar stud to clean toenails. Put tiepin or collar stud back in tie or shirt.
Eat lunch with knife only. Wipe dirty knife on otherwise impeccable business suit. Belch. Let out a boisterous laugh.
5) Open can of beer. Drink rapidly and belch loudly. Dribble on business suit. Discarded dress socks may be used to wipe mouth. Repeat. Pile cans on expensive office carpet.
6) Place tobacco in mouth. Practice spitting stream of tobacco juice on to computer screen or on polished office floor or on important presentation or in the cuffs of the trousers of your pinstriped suit or those Brooks Brothers shoes.
Note: This is the ONLY time when you may retrieve shoes from garbage! See step #3
7) Remove natty necktie, cufflinks, pocket square, tiepin, suspenders and Rolex. Drop all items in garbage can.
8) Strip off expensive Armani business suit, starched shirt and designer underwear. Toss in garbage can. Add briefcase, cell phone and daytimer. Cut up credit cards and throw away wallet. Rip up Ivy League diploma.
Note: Removal of suit will be traumatic for uppity businessmen. Be prepared for shock to system.
9) Put on overalls.
10) Cancel subscriptions to Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Have cable disconnected.
11) If you have not already been fired, quit high-paying, prestigious, white-collar job and stop working altogether.
Alternative: become a garbageman or janitor or sling hash in a diner.
12) Make appointment with dentist. Have front teeth removed.
13) Make appointment with surgeon. Have all hair on top of head removed through electrolysis. Let hair grow on sides and back.
14) Shave ONLY twice a week. Be careful to leave stubble at all times.
15) Bathe ONLY twice a week.
16) Begin intensive redneck language course. Do not use more than five words in a sentence. Drop all “NG†endings from words – “havin†instead of “havingâ€. Learn to yelp and woop and holler.
17) Sell Porsche.
18) Buy used pickup.
19) Sell condo and furniture.
20) Buy backwoods shack and shotgun rack.
21) Give or throw away all remaining business suits, ties, shoes, socks, shirts and accessories.
Exception: Give tuxedo and patent leather pumps worn to corporate black-tie events to the homeless man you used to ignore.
22) Sell stocks and bonds and give all proceeds from these and sale of car and home to redneck charity. You will not need money.
23) Watch NASCAR and pro-wrestling every day. Do NOT miss episodes. Also, be prepared to defend the position that professional wrasslin is real and not scripted entertainment.
24) Find wrecked car and leave in front of shack. If possible, make use of cinder blocks where tires should be.
25) Have name changed legally from “Markâ€, “Andrewâ€, or “Kevin†to “Cletusâ€, “Bubbaâ€, “Rufusâ€, or anything ending in -bob, such as Jim-bobor Billy-bob.
Congratulations! You, sir are now the Redneck you have dreamed of becoming! Satisfaction Guaranteed!