When Mother Teresa died she went straight to heaven. Upon her arival St. Peter informed her that theyve been expecting her. She was the given her Angel wings for all the great work she did on earth and her angel Halo.Later on that day Mother Teresa was walking around heaven when she saw Princess Diana with an even bigger Halo! Teresa got pissed off, and went to see St. Peter, and asked After all of my years sacrificing for the poor and the needy, I get a Halo this small. But Diana only took a couple of pictures with some landmine kids and got an even bigger Halo than me!St. Peter replied, Thats not a Halo… Thats the steering wheel…

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as humans. Whatll it be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains. So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter? No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing. The weeks a freebie.

In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.

So be it, says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.

The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.

Why? asked the Lord.

St. Peter answered, Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!

a robber whas running from the cops so he ran into a church and he seen a preist and he shot
the preist moments later the cops shot the robber but ther whas a mix up the preist went to hell and the robber went to heaven then the mistack was cleard and when they swiched the preist said to the robber i cant wate to meet the vigin mary then the robber replide
shes not a virgin any more.

The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near
the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled
amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden,
Dopey stands up and says, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
church ? No, said the priest, There are no midget nuns in the
church. A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and
giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably
angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the city?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church.
says
the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the
dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks Priest, are there any midget
nuns in the state?

No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no
midget nuns in the church. exclaimed the priest, obviously upset. The
dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, Priest, are there any midget nuns in the
country?

The priest, totally angered, exclaims No, my son, there are no midget
nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the
country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit
down!!!!!

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church,
Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a penguin. Dopey f-ked a
penguin.

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, you know sister, I am about to die, and theres always been one thing Ive wanted here on earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, well, Father, now that I think about it, Ive never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?

The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.

Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the camel!

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, Say, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man. Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does.

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping.

So God asked him, What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love whenever you should wish it.

Adam asked God, What will a woman like this cost?

God replied, An arm and a leg.

Adam thought a moment and asked, What can I get for a rib?

And the rest is history…

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, Well, I guess we
wont have a service today. The farmer replied: Heck, if even only one
cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.

Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they shall see God twice.

The Pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?

No, Dopey, responds the Pontiff, there are not.

Mr Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy? Dopey questions.

No, Dopey, the Pope chuckles, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.

Mr Pope, Dopey asks pleadingly, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?

No, Dopey, the Pope says sadly, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.

And softly in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting, Dopey f***ed a penguin, Dopey f***ed a penguin.