An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.

The last guy replies, I would like to hear them say, Look! Hes moving!

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day.

Abe turns to Sol and says, Do you think theres baseball in heaven?

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, I dunno. But lets make a deal: if I die first, Ill come back and tell you if theres baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, Sol… Sol…

Sol responds, Abe! Is that you?

Yes it is, Sol, whispers Abes ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, So, is there baseball in heaven?

Well, says Abe, Ive got good news and bad news.

Gimme the good news first, says Sol.

Abe says, Well… there is baseball in heaven.

Sol says, Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?

Abe sighs and whispers, Youre pitching on Friday.

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has
7 children. Eventually, her husband dies. She remarries
two weeks later, and has 10 children by her next husband.
Eventually, he dies. Soon after her second husbands
death she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, At
least theyre finally together. A guy sitting in the
front row says, Excuse me father, but do you mean her
and her first husband, or her and her second husband?
The priest says, I mean her legs.

A bum got on a subway car. He smelled of cheap women and cheap wine. He was
dirty and had a porno magazine in his pocket. When he got in he sat down next
to a priest and started reading the newspaper. After a few minutes, he asked
the priest how a person got arthritis. The priest replied that you got
arthritis by drinking too much, being with cheap women, not washing and
reading smut. The bum said oh, okay. After a few minutes, the priest started
to feel guilty and turned to the bum and apologized for snapping at him and
asked him why he wanted to know. The bum said that he read that the Pope had
arthritis.

Woman in confession: Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Preast: How have you sinned my child?

woman: I called my husband a son of a bitch.

Preast: why did you do this.

woman: First, he took off my shirt.

Preast: Like this, (and he does it to her), that is no reason to call
him a son of a bitch.

woman: then he took off my pants.

Preast: Like this, that is still no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

woman then he took off my bra and panties.

Preast: you mean like this, that is no reason to call him a son of a
bitch.

woman: but then he had sex with me.

Preast: Like this.

(15 minutes later)

Preast: that is no reason to call him a son of a bitch.

woman: I know, but a week ago he told me that he had sex with another
woman and he had aids, and I have contracted it.

Preast: Well that Son of a Bitch!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, What
is this, Father? The father responded Son, I have never seen anything
like this in my life, I dont know what it is!

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a
wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with
numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

Smiling, the father turned to his son and said, Go get your Mother.

I was sitting behind a car at a stop light the other day and I noticed
that it had a bumper sticker that read Honk if you love Jesus. So
I thought about it a bit and since I loved Jesus, I honked my horn.

I was very suprised when the driver of the car got out and yelled,
The light is still red you asshole!!!! got back in the car and drove
off through the light which had just turned green.

(I dont remember where I heard this, but I dont think it was in church…)

During a particularly wet winter, flood waters rise so high in one
town that the national guard evacuates all the residents. One man
stays behind, however, and when the water is waist-high, two national
guardsmen in a boat motor past his house, checking for people left
behind.

Were evacuating the town because of the flood! Jump in the boat
and well carry you to safety!

But the man says, No, dont bother; Ive led a pious life, and the
Lord will save me.

The men in the boat shrug their shoulders and motor away. Later,
when the water level has driven the man onto his roof, another boat
appears.

Havent you heard the town has been evacuated? Come on, well save
you!

But the man sends them away again, saying No, no, the Lord will save
me!

The water level keeps rising until the man is standing on his chimney
and barely keeping his head above water, and a helicopter, doing a
final check, appears overhead. It drops a rope, and the loudspeaker
says, Grab the rope and well bring you to safety!

But the man waves the helicopter away, once again saying, No, the
Lord will save me!

But the water level keeps rising, and he drowns.

When he gets to heaven, he is completely bewildered. He asks God,
God, why didnt you save me?

And God says, Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.

A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch.



The witch was stirring a pot of golfers brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.



A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch.



The witch remembers him and asks, Hows your golf game? He responds, Fantastic! Then she says, Hows your sex life? He responds, Not bad…



The witch says Not Bad? What do you mean not bad?? The man says Twice last year. The witch says Most people think twice in a year is terrible.



The man answers Well its not bad for a priest in a small parrish.