They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here. Thats amazing! said the one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two? Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.

On the wall of a church was a sign:

If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;

But if youre not, my phone number is 341 3451

there was these two men john and jonah john says yo jonah, dude i had the funniest dream last night dog and jonah says what was it about?
well i had a dream that i went to heaven.and while i was up there i was walking all over heaven with a messed up ugly woman.and she was messed up.well i went to god and said lord why do i have to walk in heaven with a ugly woman and god said the reason why u have to walk around with a ugly woman is because u acted so bad on earth.and then i saw you jonah walking around heaven with jessica simpson.then i said lord why did jonah get to walk with jessica.cuz son see jessica acted so bad on earth that she has to walk around with an ugly guy too.

A parish got a new priest. During his first service, when a certain prayer was
said, half the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing
yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The new priest did not know what to do. His congregation suggested to consult a
98-year-old man, who was the oldest inhabitant of the village. The priest hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual tradition was, so he
went to the old peoples home with a representative of each fraction of the
congregation.

The one whose followers stood during the prayer said to the old man, Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?

The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.

The one whose followers sat said gladly, Then the tradition is to sit during
this prayer!

The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.

Then the priest said to the old man, But the congregation fight all the time,
yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, That is the tradition!

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.

The little girl said, But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It is physically impossible! she said.

Undaunted, the little girl said, Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

To this, the teacher said, What if Jonah went to hell?

The little girl replied, Then YOU ask him!

A guy from Tyson Foods arranged a visit with the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispered, Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.

The Pope responds saying, That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Well, says the Tyson man, We are prepared to donate one billion dollars to the Church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken…

Again the Pope replies That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.

Finally, the Tyson guy says, This is our last offer. We will donate five billion dollars to the church if you change the Lords Prayer from Give us this day our daily bread… to Give us this day our daily chicken… and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

The good news is that the Church has just received a donation of five billion dollars.

The bad news is that we are losing The Wonderbread Account!

This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her! one of the crowd responded.

Wait, yelled Jesus, Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

Aw, Cmon, Dad…, Jesus cried, Im trying to make a point here!

Why wasnt Jesus born in LA?

They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin.

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab
driver had been awarded a higher place than he. I dont understand, he
complained to Saint Peter. I devoted my entire life to my
congregation.

Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results, Saint Peter explained.
Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?

Well, the minister had to admit, some in the congregation fell asleep
from time to time.

Exactly, said Saint Peter. And when people rode in this mans taxi, they
not only stayed awake, but they even prayed.

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys.

The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind.

For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief.

He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.