A Lutheran pastor, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were duck hunting from a boat not far from the lake shore. After setting out decoys the trio readied themselves for the ducks in the rosy pre-dawn light. It was then that the pastor realized he had forgotten his shotgun shells and had to make a trip back to the truck; so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, and in the same matter, came back to the boat with his shells.
They shot (at) ducks for the next two hours, drank coffee out of the thermos and ate sandwiches. The priest then had to make a trip to shore for a bathroom break. He got out of the boat, walked across the water in the same manner, came back to the boat.
Still later, the rabbi needed to go ashore. He got out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said, Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…

Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…

Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.

The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…

Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…

In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…

Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, after shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!

Three priests went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
were exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their
freedom. As they were crossing an open area, a group of ladies came along from
town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, two of the priests covered their
privates, but the third one covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the first two
priests asked the third why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The third replied, I do not know about you, but in my congregation, it is my
face they would recognize.

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray, the priest said. No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.Youre both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted, The best prayin I ever did was when I was hangin upside down from a telephone pole.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So, next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka; dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the cherry.

13. The recommended Grace before a meal is not, Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffys.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregations range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original Jaws story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasnt covered by an HMO. 2. The Bibles way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who dont know the seating capacity of a pew.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was, Dont.Dont what? Adam asked.Dont eat the forbidden fruit, God said.Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve! We got Forbidden Fruit!No way!Yes WAY!Dont eat that fruit! said God.Why?Because Im your Creator and I said so! said God, wondering why he hadnt stopped after making the elephants.A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. Didnt I tell you not to eat that fruit? God asked.Uh huh, Adam replied.Then why did you?I dunno, Eve answered.She started it! Adam said.Did Not!DID so!DID NOT!Having had it with the two of them, Gods punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what Gods name was.

Oh thats easy, the man replied, His name is Andy.

What make you think his name is Andy? the angel asked incredulously.

Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.

1. The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

2. Under same management for over 2,000 years.

3. Soul food served here.

4. Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk.

5. You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

6. Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!

7. Dont wait for the hearse to take you to church.

8. We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rock.

9. Dont give up. Moses was once a basket case!

10. Come early for a good seat in the back.

11. Life has many choices! Eternity has two. Whats yours?

12. Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due.

13. A mans character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

14. K-mart isnt the only saving place!

15. Preach the gospel at all times … Use words only if necessary.

16. Delay is preferable to error.

17. Its hard to stumble when youre on your knees.

18. What part of THOU SHALT NOT dont you understand?

19. A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

20. The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday!

21. Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive.

22. Cant sleep? Try counting your blessings.

23. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

24. May is Gods apology for February.

25. To belittle is to be little.

26. Dont let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you.

27. God answers knee mail.

28. Try Jesus. If you dont like Him, the devil will always take you back.

Men never do evil so cheerfully and so completely as when they do so from
religious conviction.
— Blaise Pascal