A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.

The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.

The priest asks, Arent you having any?

The rabbi replies, No…I think Ill wait for the police.

This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence,
which was Lets make love. The parrot said it all the time,
embarrassing the owner to no end.

Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot
problem. The priest replied, I have a parrot who also only knows
one sentence. He always says, Let us pray. Bring your parrot over
Sunday after mass, and Im sure your parrot will be praying by the
end of the day.

So, as directed, The owner brought the parrot over to the rectory
after mass. The parrot, spying the priests parrot, opened his mouth
and blurted out, Lets make love.

The priests parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said,
My prayers have been answered.

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, So how high can you advance in your organization?

The Priest says If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.

Well, could you get any higher than that? asks the Rabbi.

I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop said the Priest a bit cautiously.

Is there any way that you might go higher than that?

If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal,
said the priest.

Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? probed the Rabbi.

Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…

So the Rabbi says And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?

What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!

The Rabbi leaned back and said One of our boys made it.

There once was a man named Joe and he was talking to God and he asked, How much is a penny worth in heaven? God replied, One million dollars. Then Joe asked, How long is a minute in heaven? God said, One million years. So Joe asked for a penny and God said, Sure, just wait a minute.

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other – a star of David.
Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe hed get some more
hand outs.

Get this guy, laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
Trying to teach us how to do business!

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises
decides to open a door. He says Wow, its dark here!
You can imagine that theres a man with a woman in that room…
The man asks, What do you want? Heres a buck, leave us alone.
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says:
Wow, its dark here! Not you again! Here, take this and
go buy yourself something. And the boy goes out with 2 bucks.

The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened
to his mother. She says: Thats wrong. You should go to the church,
and confess yourself.

So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: Wow, its dark here!.
To which the priest says: Are you following me around?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus. "Sure," said the drunk man. "Ill find Jesus." So the priest took the drunk mans head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging."Damn," said the drunk man. "Are you sure he fell in there?"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself Oh God, Im screwed!!!!!.



There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.



So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.



As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: Okay ….. NOW youre screwed.

A puritan is someone who is deathly afraid
that someone, somewhere, is having fun.