And the angel of the Lord said unto the shepherds

Shove off, this is cattle country!

*THE FOLLOWING BIT IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY W. SHAKESPEARE INTERNATIONAL PLC*

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

WHAT?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

Who is already sick and pale with grief

WILL YOU PISS OFF – WERE TRYING TO SLEEP

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she

IM WARNING YOU, IF YOU DONT SHUT UP…

Be not her maid, since she is envious.

IM GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?

And none but fools do wear it: cast it off

IM GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOURE NOT CAREFUL

It is my lady, O it is my love

LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND ILL CALL THE POLICE

O that she knew she were

HELLO, POLICE?

She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?

THERES THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE

Her eye discourses: I will answer it.

HES BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER… SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE

I am too bold: tis not to me she speaks.

PROBABLY A STUDENT – YES… HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

WELL, HES GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

THANK YOU OFFICER.

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

SHUT THE F*** UP!

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars

OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven

RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM

Would through the airy region stream so bright

WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?

That birds would sing and think it were not night

WELL IM AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

RIGHT SONNY, THATS ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT

That I might touch that cheek

YOURE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE

Let go of me arm, pig!

Coming up soon…

– Romeo and Juliet – A Court Case

– we ask the question – just what compensation did Lady Macbeth receive?

– And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.

From The Toxic Custard Workshop Files, Number 19

It was Palm Sunday, and the familys 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for. His mother explained, People held them over Jesus head as he walked by.

Wouldnt you know it, the boy fumed. The one Sunday I dont go to church, and Jesus shows up!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. Ill sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, Im terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, Ill get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, Im still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, Ill get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, Im still terribly cold. I dont think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: Youre probably right…get up and get your own blanket.

The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud F***, missed! each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldnt take it anymore.



Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you.



It didnt make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with F***, missed!!. Again, the priest said Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign.



It didnt help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud F***, missed!!. A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.



A voice was heard in the clouds F***, missed!!.

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, What do you think about all this Satan stuff?

The other boy replied, Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. Its probably just your dad!

In the interest of getting the history of the Neiman-Marcus Cookie
Recipe story absolutely correct, I have voluntarily engaged in some
heavy research. I logged about 12 hours in a local collegiate library
and came up with what I believe to be the earliest version of this
story. It is not unique to America. Heck, it is not even unique to
this century! Below I have translated from the runic, the (I can only
believe it is the original) first known reference to being overcharged
for a recipe, and then cheating the seller by passing along the recipe
to many others. Take a gander and let me know what you think…

Larry Rogers

A Proclamation from Sir Lord Duke Belvedere, Leige of Wiltshire, Proud
Servant of His Lord High God and the King under Him to all kith and kin
across the land, acroos the seas, and to any of noble blood beyond.

It would pleaseth us mightily if thou, with thine noble heart and
chivalrous soul wouldst maketh it a point to use the recipe contained
herein and pass it along to thine own kith and kin to be used and passed
along to theirs…

But, first, because it doth pleaseth, us, and hopefuly thou as well,
the history of this wondrous recipe that We have enclosed for thou…

We, Sir Lord Duke Belvedere, Leige of Wiltshire, Proud Servant of His
Lord High God and the King under Him, had the unique pleasure of
visiting the demense of the Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy.
During which visit, we had the opportunity to partake of many feasts in
our honor and his. It was during yon feasts that a most heavenly
beverage was presented and consumed. Twas Mead, and not just any mead,
we may say. Twas blackberry mead of a most delectable sort. Upon the
completion of yon visit to the Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy,
we requested that a recitation of the procedure for drinking that most
delectable beverage be ensconced within our historian’s head for a
repitition to our own beverage preparer at home. The Most Noble Oleg,
Prince of Normandy informed us that it would cost us 350 guilders and 30
head of cattle. We said that it should not be a problem for one of
such noble birth as ourselves, that his Leige, the Most Noble Lord Oleg,
Prince of Normandy should inform our historian of the procedure, and
send him back to us in 30 days time with a messenger to carry the return
payment for the recipe.

A month of days went by and the historian was duly returned to us. The
messenger from His Most Noble Lord Oleg, Prionce of Normandy was
scheduled to return to his lord the following day. When we asked that
the charge be repeated to us, we were informed that the exchange rate
for the guilders translated into 15,000 pounds! That Cad! The
Messenger was beheaded, and his head returned to the Most High Noble
Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy, along with the requested 30 head of
cattle and 350 pounds.

Our own beverage maker was set to work immediately to prepare some of
the wonderful mead. It took over a month to fully prepare. Upon the
date of its completion, we were about to partake the first drink of the
most wonderous elixer whereupon a messenger burst forth upon our feast
and informed us that the Most High Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy had not
been pleased with our treatment of his messenger, and had declared war
upon us, there was a full fleet of 7 long-boats full of armed warriors
on their way to make war with us immediately!

And so, upon the potential that I shall not return from the battle, I
wish to make certain that the High Lord Oleg, Prince of Normandy does
not play such a prank on any others of our noble standing, and so we
give to you, free of charge the recipe for which we are about to make
war…

Your Patron, Friend, Foe, Ally and Leige, Sir Lord Duke Belvedere,
Leige of Wiltshire, Proud Servant of His Lord High God and the King
under Him

Blackberry Mead

Ingredients (2 gallons):

1 gallon ripe blackberries
4 1/2 lbs clover honey
acid blend and yeast
Montrache wine yeast

Procedure:

Pick about a gallon of good ripe berries, rinseth them. During this
time beginneth a simple mead with 2 1/2lbs of yon clover honey and
enough water to make a gallon. Useth the Montrache wine yeast and add
yeast and acid blend.
Fermentation shall stop after three weeks. Masheth the blackberries
with a wine bottle. Add the mead. Two weeks later, rack the liquid off
of the fruit and into a carboy. Add another 2 lbs of honey and enough
water to fill it up to 2 gallons. A month later, bottle. At eight
months, it shall be perfect.

Comments:

Up through six months of aging, it shan’t be very good, but at eight
shall be wonderful. It becometh like a really good red wine with a
blackberry nose and
aftertaste.

—————————————

The above is most certainly a parody, and the mead recipe has been
changed enough to make it almost unusable. you may find the original at:
http://alpha.rollanet.org/library/beeslees.html
If you have enjoyed this, please send it along to others afflicted with
the Neiman-Marcus story, and be certain to include my name right up at
the top where it is now.

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.

Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. No, thank you, Mrs. Watkins replied. The Lord will provide. The men shrugged and rowed on.

By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. Dont trouble yourself, she told him. The Lord will provide.

Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, The Lord will provide.

So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.

Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. What happened? she cried.

For cryin out loud, lady, God said, I sent three boats!

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg. Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, What could I get for a rib?

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, Good morning Anthony.Good morning father, replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.Father Murphy, what is this? Anthony asked.Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Anthonys voice was barely audible when he asked, Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?