The inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, Since youve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, I want to hang out with God. St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, Hey, arent you the inventor of woman? God said, Ah, yes, Well, said Arthur, professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. 1. Theres too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust and finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous. Hmmmm, you may have some good points there, replied God, hold on. God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, God said to Arthur, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Pat and Mike were walking down the street, when they came to the church, Pat says, Mike, you wait here, Im going to run in for confession, its been a long time.

Pat enters the confessional and says, Father forgive me, I have sinned with a married woman.

The priest asks, was it Mrs Murphy? no, Father, was the reply.

Was it Mrs OBoyle? Again the reply was No, Father.

Was it Mrs. OGrady? Pat said, Father, Ill not be teling you the ladys name!

So the priest told him to say two Hail Marys for each time he had sinned with the woman.

Back on the street, Mike said, Well, how did you do? Pat said, Just fine, I kept me mouth shut and got 3 new prospects!

A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people
waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom
something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to
upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the
back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest
to be found.

Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and
the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to
go to the bathroom and the line is so long.

Its very simple, said the Priest.There on the wall is a chart …
column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the
sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.

The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the
holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while
the priest hurried away to the bathroom.

The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me
Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last
confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a
blow job. Thats it, Father.

The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find
blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to
look for a Priest but there was still not a Priest to be found.

Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and
stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?

Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.

The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.

The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.

The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wifes dentures… and I couldnt stop talking!

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled Who is it?

And the person ringing the door bell yelled, Im the blind man.

So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didnt bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.

She opened the door and said, What do you want?, and the man said, Im here to check your blinds.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peters holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says Here you go and goes to leave when the forester says Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?

St. Peter says: Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and wont be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, Are you really going to let him get away with this? No, I guess not, says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesnt bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, Why did you let him do that? To this God says, Whos he going to tell?

The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

Good morning, Jonathan, the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthans hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathans hand. Whats this? the preacher asked.

Money, said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, Its for you!

I dont want to take your money, Jonathan, the preacher answered.

I want you to have it, said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, My daddy says youre the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while, he started advancing on her. Before long though, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.Its OK, he replied, its written in the Bible.So after a wild night of bliss the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here!

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!