Two six-year-odl boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave — time-outs, notes home, missed recesses, but could do nothing with them.

Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.

The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The piest asked, Son, do you know where God is?

The little boy just sat there.

the priest stood up and asked, Don, do you know where God is?

The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, Do you know where God is?

The little boy bolted out of the chair, rushed past his friend in the waiting room, and ran all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head.

His friend followed him home. He came into the bedroom and asked, What happened in there?

The boy replied, God is missing, and they think we did it!

A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely.God dammit, I missed, says the doctor.The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast.Dont use the Lord God’s name in vain, says the priest.I am sorry, Father, replies the doctor.The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again.God dammit, I missed, says the doctor.The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land.Dont use the Lord Gods name in vain, says the priest.I am sorry, Father, replies the doctor.Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, God dammit, I missed.The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead.Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, Dammit, I missed.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!

Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?!

A prostitute! Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sigh of relief and said, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve? God asks her.

Lord, she says, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but Im just not happy.

Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.

Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples, she says.

Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you, the good Lord tells her.

Whats a man, Lord? she inquires.

This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time.

But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the love department.

Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.

Whats that, Lord? she asks.

Youll have to let him believe that I made him first!

An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, Welcome to heaven, my son. God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease, the doctor replies. Welcome to heaven, my son, God says. God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. Welcome to heaven, my son, says God, but you have to leave in two days.

The National Enquirers special investigative team has determined that
its actually Elvis Preselys image on the Shroud of Turin.

Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he wont give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.

The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and theyre going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that theyre not really a bad bunch, theyll grant each hostage one
wish.

Please, says the rabbi, for the last two months Ive been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. Ill go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. Its
an hour – ninety minutes long, tops.

They promise to grant him the wish.

Please, says the cantor, after 50 years Ive finally gotten the
Hinneni prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an
audience. Its only about 45 minutes long – then Ill go happily.

The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to
the shul president.

Please, says the president with tears in his eyes, Shoot me first!

There were two statues in the park. One day an angel came down from heaven and spoke to the statues. I have been given the power to grant you 3 hours of life. You may do anything you want. With that the stautes came to life. Since the were male and female, they both ran into some bushes. The angel stood by as the bushes shock and sounds if laughter came from them. After 2 and half hours the statues came out of the bushes with wide smiles. You have another half hour. Is there still something you would like to do? the angel asked. Well do you want to do it again? asked the male statue. Sure replyed the female with a giggle. Only this time you hold the pidgeons and Ill poop on their heads

[ Our priest told this one at last Sunday mornings mass. I dont know what
his source was, though… ]

Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter.

To the first, he asked, So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why
do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?

I was a nurse at an inner city hospital, she replied. I worked to bring
healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children.

Very noble, said St. Peter. You may enter. And in through the Gates
she went.

To the next, he asked the same question, So, what did you used to do?

I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin, she replied.
For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who
tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand
of healing and peace, and with the message about Gods love.

How touching, said St. Peter. You, too, may enter. And in she went.

He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, So, what did you used to
do back on Earth?

After some hesitation, she explained, I was just a nurse at an HMO.

St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, Ok, you may enter, too.

Whew! said the nurse. For a moment there, I thought you werent going to
let me in.

Oh, you can come in, said St. Peter, but you can only stay for three days!

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.

Finally, the banker said, Preacher, why did you ask us to come?

The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and thats how I want to go.