A priest was in the confessional booth with a fairly long line of people waiting for their confession. The priest had to go to the bathroom something awful and couldnt hold it for another minute. Not wanting to upset all of the people in line, he frantically looked out the back door for another priest to help him out but there wasnt a priest to be found.
Suddently the janitor pushed his broom past the back of the booth and the priest grabbed him and said, You just gotta help me out. I have to go to the bathroom and the line is so long.
Its very simple, said the Priest. There on the wall is a chart … column A lists the sins and column B lists the penance. Just find the sin on the chart and tell them what their penance is.
The janitor agreed that it sounded pretty simple and wanted to help the holy Father so he agreed to fill in for the priest in the booth while the priest hurried away to the bathroom.
The very next person in line entered the booth and began … Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Its been two weeks since my last confession. Last night I let my next door neighbors wife give me a blow job. Thats it, Father.
The janitor looked at the chart but got frantic when he couldnt find blow job anywhere on the chart. Panicking, he opened the back door to look for a priest but there was still not a priest to be found.
Suddenly, the altar boy walked by and the janitor grabbed him and stammered, Quick, what does the father give for a blow job?
Two snickers and a Coke, replied the boy.

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.Well, said the American, I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.Thats amazing! said one of the doctors, But what happened to the other two?Last I saw them, replied the American, the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.

He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.

The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say Thank the Lord! to make it go and Amen! to make it stop.

So the man said, Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord! and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.

Finally, at the very edge he remembered, Amen! The guy was so relieved he shouted, Thank the Lord!

A Mormon bishop, a Catholic priest, and a TV evangelist were fishing
from a boat in the middle of a small lake. The priest realized that
hed left his tackle box in his car, and, not wanting to disturb the
other two, got out of the boat and walked over the water to the shore,
got his gear, walked back, and started fishing.

An hour or so passed, and the bishop began to feel a little hungry.
His lunch was back in his car, though. . . . So, he got out of the
boat, walked over the water, got his lunch, came back, and nibbled on
his sandwich.

The evangelist, not to be outdone, decided that hed best go for a
walk, too. He mumbled something about going to the bathroom, stood
up, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and splashed into the lake.

The priest, chuckling, said to the bishop, Think we shouldve told
him about those submerged rocks? Said the bishop, what rocks??

— Michael.

What do you call a nun that has had a sex change operation?

-A Transistor

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this.

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, You want fries with that?

And Man said, Super size them. And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad. And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them.

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw this and said, It is good.

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Mans health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, Do I look fat?

And the Devil said, Always tell the truth.

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, It doesnt get any better than this!

An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support.

-Sam Levenson

As George was approaching mid-life, he realized that physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of inactive office work had given him a large pot-belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. That does it, he decided. Im going to start a whole new regimen. He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the womans doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet. As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, Why, God, why now? After all Ive been through, how could you do this to me?

From up above, there came a voice, Sorry, George. I didnt recoginize you.