When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, thats Mozarts Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "Theres the Eighth Symphony, and its backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "Theres the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, theres nothing to worry about. Its just Mozart decomposing."

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "Thats right." Then he asked "Who is Gods son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct." Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didnt want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and Im going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "Thats right."

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence. Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.

Satan! beckoned God. You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!

Yeah? What if I dont? replied the devil.

Ill sue you if I have to, answered God.

Sure, laughed Satan. Where are you going to find a lawyer?

Dolly Parton and Princess Di both died, and found themselves at the pearly
gates.

Dolly Parton knocked, and in a moment, Saint Peter arrived.
He looked at them both, and told them that he could only let one in,
because heaven was getting a little crowded.
So, he gave them both one chance to convince him to let them in.

Dolly Parton lifted up her top, and showed Saint Peter the biggest and
most impressive set of tits hed ever seen.

Princess Di thought for a while on how to top that one, then all of a
sudden, squatted by Saint Peter and pissed on his feet.

He said nothing, but opened the gates and let Princess Di through.

Dolly was pissed off about this, and screamed Ã’Why did you let her in?
I just showed you the most impressive tits youÕve ever seen, and she
just pissed on your feet?!Ó
to which he replied A royal flush always beats two of a kind.

Bobby Knight, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded IU flag in the window. This house is yours for eternity, Bobby, said God. This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.
Bobby felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a three-story mansion with a black and gold sidewalk, 50-foot tall flagpole with an enormous Purdue flag and, in every window, a Boilermaker logo. Bobby looked at God and said God, Im not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach, I won 3 NCAA titles, 600+ games and I even went to the hall of fame. So why does Gene Keady get a better house than me? God chuckled, and said Bobby, thats not Gene Keadys house, its mine!

The difference between philosophy and theology:

if you have an argument over
philosophy, you get red in the face. Over theology you throw
bombs.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying I know that,
in your religion, youre not supposed to eat pork…Have you actually ever
tasted it?

The Rabbi said, I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, Your religion,
too…I know youre suposed to be celibate. But….

The priest replied, Yes, I know what youre going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, Better than pork, isnt it?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, Ive got news for you. Youre going straight to hell! The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, Good heavens, Im on the wrong bus!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand. The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, Try saying things like, I see, yes, go on, I understand, and how did you feel about that? The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, Now, dont you think thats a little better than saying, Whoa… What happened next?

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.

Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.

But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.

I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.

Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. He paused for a moment and then said, I have one more question…

What is that, my son?

Do I have to tell him the war is over?