Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

How do *you* know, Sister?

My Mother Superior told me so

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?

Dont be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself

Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life

How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman … and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

Oh no! Its not that drunken Nun again is it?

Jesus was standing on a hill talking to his people.

He who hath not sinned, cast the first stone.

Just then a stone came flying from the back of the crowd and hit him hard on the head.

Ouch, Dad! I hate when you do that!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he could improve his public speaking skills. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a little sip.

So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door, with the monsignors comments about this second sermon:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

Religion is mans attempt to communicate with the weather.

A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.

The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets of at the next stop.

When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you.

The hippie of course says that hed love to know so the bus driver tells him that the every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder, said the bus driver(male), you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you.

Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun and right on schedule the nun shows up. When shes in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, Ha ha, Im the hippie!!

The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, Ha ha, Im the bus driver!!!

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the childrens sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?

The little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom says its a bitch to iron.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.

The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks that this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is?

St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?

Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan.

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven? The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street. Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, Well , thats fine, but its not really quite enough to get you into Heaven. The Lawyer said, Wait Wait! Theres more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter. Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

Lets give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he
was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over
his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked Whos that youre drawing, son?
The son answered, God.
Dont be silly, reproved the mother. Nobody knows what God looks
like.
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, They will
when Im finished!

A Bengali, Marwari and Gujrati get into a carwreck. Upon arrival at the heaven Gates, Chitragupt informs them that it is not their time, they were not supposed to die yet.
He offers them a deal, You give me 20 Rs, and Ill let you go back down and live the rest of your lives out.
The Bengali says, Fair enough, and hands Chitragupt twenty. Back on earth at the accident scene, he sits bolt upright, shocking the paramedics that had just pronounced him dead. They all gather around to ask him what happened.
Well, it wasnt my time, so I paid 20 bucks and he let me come back from the dead. Noticing the other victims remained lifeless, the paramedics ask why they didnt also take chitragupt up on his offer.
The Bengali rolls his eyes and says, Oh, the Marwari is trying to talk him down to Rs 12.50, and the Gujju is waiting for the Government to pay for it.