Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, What part of your body did you use?

The nun replies, My right hand.

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts.

The priest asks, What part of your body did you use?

The nun replies, My left hand. The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, Would you mind if I went first?

The third nun says, Sure I dont care, but would mind telling me why?

The fourth nun replies, Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.

Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller, on the Alex
Bennett radio show (KITS, San Francisco, CA):

Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan comes to after
his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar.
Holy cow, he thinks to himself, this guy is my idol. Over at the
microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the
bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie
Rays thinking, Oh, wow! Ive died and gone to rock and roll heaven.
Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says:
Close to You. Hit it, boys!

This Jewish father wants to send his kid to school, but is not sure where to send him to. Finally he just looks at the brochure from Catholic school and thinks that since its priced reasonable and sounds like a nice place all together, hell try him over there.

His kid goes to school the first semester and comes home with a report card.

His father takes a look, turns to his son and says: -A plus in math??? How in the hell did you pull that off since thats your worse subject?

Well father, the first day I walked into my math class and saw a guy hanging on a wall nailed to the plus sign – I knew they werent mucking around!

Jog for Jesus

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping!

There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven, he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.

The first guy said I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter. So God made him 100 times smarter.

The second guy said I want to be better than that guy, make me 1000 times smarter. So God made him 1000 times smarter.

The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said God, make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times smarter.

So God made him a woman !!

The Lord gets up one day and decides its time to make human
sexuality. He calls his assistant Jocko and asks him to bring a large
bowl over to the ingredient workbench. He then begins the recipe. In
goes a healthy portion of lust, some friendship, understanding, and a
little bit of loneliness. Finally, he adds love and the mixture is
ready for the final touches. He tells Jocko

Go into the back room and bring me five of the most sensitive
nerve endings we have.

Jockos eyes open wide in astonishment and with obvious fear and
respect stutters

Ah, sir. You know that I never question anything you do.
After all, you are the Lord. But are you sure that human beings can
handle that much sensitivity ? Remember, we only put two sensitive
nerves in the fingers, and only three under the arms.

The Lord looks down at his little helper and replies

Jocko, I know what Im doing. In fact, make it ten. I think
Id like to hear my name said out loud once in a while.

Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup
is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line
as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him.

Ludwig von Beethoven is first.
St.Peter says: Who are you?
Beethoven says: Eh ?
St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : Who are you ?
Beethoven says: Ludwig von Beethoven
St.Peter says: Do you have any papers?
Beethoven says: No.
St.Peter says: Then you will have to prove it.
Beethoven says: Give me a choir of angels.

St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth.
St.Peter smiles and says: Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig.
Beethoven goes in.

Shakespeare is next.
St.Peter says: Who are you ?
Shakespeare says: William Shakespeare
St.Peter says: Do you have any papers ?
Shakespeare says: No.
St.Peter says: Then you will have to prove it.
Shakespeare says: Give me a pen and paper.

St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet.
St.Peter smiles and says: Wonderful. Welcome, William.
Shakespeare goes in.

Finally it is Hoxhas turn.
St.Peter says: Who are you ?
Hoxha says: Enver Hoxha, General Secretary of the Communist Party of
Albania
St.Peter says: Do you have any papers ?
Hoxha says: No.
St.Peter says: Then you will have to prove it,
just like Beethoven and Shakespeare.
Hoxha says: Beethoven… Shakespeare ? Who are they ?
St.Peter says: Wonderful. Welcome, General Secretary.
Hoxha goes in.

Craig Hubley, Unicus Corporation, Toronto, Ont.

Old Simpson was a constant thorn in the side of the Parent-Teachers
Association, with his steadfast opposition to innovation. For one
thing, he was vociferously against the introduction of foreign
languages in the towns junior high school curriculum.
Waving his Bible high in the air, he shouted, If English was good
enough for the prophets and the apostles, its plenty good enough for
me.