A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver wont stop staring at her.

She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
I have a question to ask you, but I dont want to offend you.

She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When youre as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. Im sure that theres nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

Well, the cab driver says, Ive always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.

She responds, Well, lets see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.

The cab driver is very excited and says,
Yes, I am single and Im Catholic too!

The nun says, OK, pull into the next alley.

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. My dear child, why are you crying? says the nun.

Forgive me sister, but I have sinned, says the cabby. I lied. I must confess, Im married and Im Jewish.

The nun says, Thats OK. My name is Kevin and Im on my way to a Halloween party.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am? The man says, Yep, sure do.

Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me? The man says, Nope, sure aint.

Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me? The man says, Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace who had the bad habit of eating all the grass on the lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace locked up, and the yard became overgrown.
One day, while working on a car in his backyard as evening approached he dropped his wrench, which immediately disappeared in the tall grass. That very night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.
Early the next morning, the mechanic went outside and discovered his lost wrench glinting in the sunlight! Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed, A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathersaround. A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of anykind. A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age.
Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Ive been living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort tothis man.

The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay.

He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72…

One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, Give it a shot, father.
After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, Whoa, what a big sonofabitch! The priest says, Ah, please sir, can you mind your language? The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), Im sorry father, but thats what this fish is called—a sonofabitch! Oh, Im sorry, says the priest. I didnt know. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch! Please father, says the bishop. Mind your language, this is a house of God. No, you dont understand, says the priest. Thats what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch! Hmmm, says the bishop. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner. So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope? My lord, what language! says the mother. No, sister, says the bishop. Thats what the fish is called—a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and wed like you to cook it Hmmm, replies Mother Superior. Yes, Ill cook that sonofabitch tonight. While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it. I caught the sonofabitch! says the priest. And I cleaned the sonofabitch! says the bishop. And I cooked the sonofabitch! says Mother Superior.

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.Oh Lord, please help me, Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.Well, lottery night arrived and somebody else won the prize. Joe again looked up and prayed … Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well!Again, lottery night came and went and Joe still had no luck. Once again, he prayed … Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? Ive lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order!!Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself: JOE, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE … BUY A TICKET!

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, If youll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.

I dont think Ill be there, the boy said. You dont even know your way to the post office.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well Ill be. the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

I dont have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Two old guys named George and Tom were life-long best friends who loved baseball. They had both played in their younger days, and now they made it a point to go to every game that they could.

One day, theyre discussing whether or not there is baseball in Heaven, and they make a pact that whomever dies first will find a way to come back and let the other one know.

Eventually, George dies, and appears as a ghost in Toms bedroom one night. Tom, of course, is overjoyed to see his friend once again, and after the initial greetings he asks George whether or not there is, in fact, baseball in Heaven.

Well Tom, George says, Ive got good news and bad news.

Whats the good news? Tom asks.

George states, There -is- baseball in Heaven. The field is made of solid gold, and the bases are fluffy little clouds. And since God himself is the umpire, theres never a bad call. Its wonderful!

Tom, of course, is thrilled at this news, and says so, but George reminds him that there is still the matter of the bad news.

After news like that, Tom says, nothing could get me down! Whats the bad news?

George replies, Youre pitching next Tuesday.