Source unknown.

This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal,
the priest cant help noticing how attractive and shapely the
housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if
theres more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye.
Reading the young priests thoughts, the bishop volunteers, I know what
you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my
housekeeper is purely professional.

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says,
Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, Ive been
unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he
took it, do you?

The bishop says, Well, I doubt it, but Ill write him a letter just to
be sure. So he sits down and writes: Dear Father, Im not saying that
you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and Im not saying you did
not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest,
which reads: Your Excellency, Im not saying that you do sleep with
your housekeeper, and Im not saying that you do not sleep with your
housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day.

He sat down next to a priest.

The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.

3-year-old, Reese says his prayer, Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name.A little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you cant make me a better boy, dont worry about it. Im having a real good time like I am.A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what
it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife.After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lords Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: Lead us
not into temptation, she prayed, but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.One four-year-old prayed, And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, And why is it necessary to be quiet in church? One bright little girl replied, Because people are sleeping.Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. Youre not supposed to talk out loud in church. Why? Whos going to stop me?, Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, See those two men standing by the door? Theyre hushers!A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first p

A young lad was visiting a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls.

When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, Who are all those men in the pictures?

The usher replied, Why, those are our boys who died in the service.

Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, Was that the morning service or the evening service?

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father?.
Im going to the church 5 miles down the road, replied the priest.
No problem, Father! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the truck.
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. Even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didnt see anything, he turned to the priest and said, Im sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.
Thats okay, replied the priest. I got him with the door.

What do you get when you cross a Jehovahs Witness and an atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.
If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?

A Guest Host.

Three married couples, aged 20, 30, and 40 years old, want to join the Orthodox
Church of Sexual Repression. Near the end of the interview, the priest
informs them that before they can be accepted they will have to pass one
small test. They will have to abstain from all sex for a month. They all
agree to try.

A month later they are having their final interview with the cleric. He
asks the 40 year old couple how they did. Well, it wasnt too hard. I
spent a lot of time in the workshop and she has a garden so we had plenty
of other things to do. We did OK. the husband said.

Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how well did
you manage? he asked the 30 year old couple.

It was pretty difficult, the husband answered. We thought about it all
the time. We had to sleep in different beds and we prayed a lot. But we
were celibate for the entire month.

Very good, my children. You are welcome in the Church. And how about
you? he asked the 20 year old couple.

Not too good, Im afraid, Father. We did OK for the first week., he said
sheepishly. By the second week we were going crazy with lust. Then one
day during the third week my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she
bent over to pick it up, I… I weakened and took her right there.

Im sorry my son, you are not welcome in the Church

Yeah, and were not too welcome in the A&P anymore, either.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldnt know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and hed stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The priest asks, What did you do?

The woman says, I committed adultery.

The priest says, How many times?

And the woman replies, Three.

Priest: Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, Father forgive me for I have sinned.

What did you do?

‘I committed adultery.

How many times?

Three times.

The priest says, Say two Hail Mary’s, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks hes got it, so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, Father, forgive me for I have sinned.

The rabbi says, What did you do?

The woman replies, I committed adultery.

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, How many times?

The woman replies, Once.

The rabbi said, Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with A then B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on Q unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old .
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbours thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.
Make grunts randomly during the sermon. Act as if it wasnt you.
If any of the people singing have extremely unique voices, try and imitate them.
If possible, rig a mic in the bathroom.
Then, go to the bathroom, disguise your voice, and say strange things into the mic. Examples: Wowie! Big Daddys coming to town!, Oh my gosh, thats my lego!, Oh no, not blood again!, Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!
If you have

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest Father, Ive done something terrible. I just know theyre going to throw me out of the church for this one.

Hold, on, says the priest, what have you done thats so bad theyre going to throw you out of the church?

Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then.

Theres nothing wrong with that, says the priest, youre allowed to have sex with your wife.

Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?

Well, the man said, they threw us out of the grocery store.