In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper.

One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the
rectory. While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the
housekeeper was and he wondered…

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional and that she was the housekeeper and cook and
that was that.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, Father, ever
since the new assistant came for dinner, I have not been able to find the
beautiful silver gravy ladle. You dont suppose he took it, do you?

The pastor said, Well, I doubt it but Ill write him a letter. So he wrote,
Dear Father, Im not saying that you did take the gravy ladle and Im not
saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been
missing since you were here for dinner.

The young assistant received the letter and he answered it as follows, Dear
Father Pastor, Im not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and Im not
saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that
if you slept in your own bed… you would have found the gravy ladle by now!

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it the priest replied.

The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

Grandpa and his grandson were sitting reading when she asked,

Did God make you, Grandpa?

Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little boy asked him, Did God make me too?

Yes, He did, the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little boy seemed to be studying his grandpa, as well as his own reflection in the mirror, while his grandfather wondered what was running through his mind. At last he spoke up.

You know, Grandpa, he said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said, Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.

God said, It is disappointing that your request is so blatantly selfish and materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific… The concrete and steel it would take… It will nearly exhaust several of the planets natural resources. I can do it, of course, but it is hard for me to justify using so many of Earths much-needed resources for such a task. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me.

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, God, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what shes thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothings wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.

God replied, So, do you want two lanes or four on that bridge?

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God got mad and said. You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, I dont know. My wife told me to stand here.

A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. Mommy, the little girl asks, how old are you?
The mother looks over at the little girl, Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isnt polite. the mother warns.
Ok, the little girl says, How much do you weigh?
Now really, the mother says, these are personal questions and are really none of your business.
Undaunted, the little girl asks, Why did you and daddy get a divorce?
That is enough questions, honestly! The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
My Mom wouldnt tell me anything, the little girl says to her friend.
Well, said the friend, all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It is like a report card, it has everything on it.
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, I know how old you are, you are 32.
The mother is surprised and asks, How did you find that out?
I also know that you weigh 140 pounds. The mother is past surprise and shock now.
How in heavens name did you find that out?
The little girl continues on triumphantly, And… I know why you and daddy got divorce.
Oh really?, the mother asks, Why is that?
To which the girl replies, Because you got an F in sex.

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.The priest says, Oh no, was it with Marie Brown?. Joe says, Id rather not say who it was with. The priest says, Was it with Betty Smith? Joe says, Id rather not say, So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joes friend asks if he received absolution.Joe says, Yes, and two very good leads!

The Pope and God were conversing the other day, and the Pope said, Hey God, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news.

God replied, Well I have always liked good news before bad so …

The Pope responded, Well we finally have been able to unite all the known religions on Earth under one name.

God says, Well that is just great, I have been trying for six thousand years, and you did it in less than two thousand. Now what is the bad news?

We have to relocate the Vatican to Salt Lake City.

A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he asked him You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes? St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since hes the one that made him.

So the zebra asked God, God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes?
God answered, You are what you are. The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,
Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black horse with white stripes…
What was the answer, St. Peter asked. Well I still dont know. All He said was: You are what you are. Well that answers it, Said St. Peter. Youre a white horse with black stripes. How do you know that? asked the zebra. Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said: You is what you is.

Q: Why do they say Amen at the end of a prayer instead of Awomen?
A: The same reason they sing Hymns instead of Hers!

Q: Why didnt Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didnt want any advice.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A roamin Catholic!

Doctor: Your recovery was a miracle!
Patient: PRAISE GOD. Now I dont have to pay you!

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Even then men wouldnt ask for directions!