It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.

Well, answered the priest, thats not a sin.

But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed.

I admit that wasnt good, but you did it for a good cause.

Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…

What is that, my son?

Do I have to tell him the war is over?

Father Larry is in the confession booth one day when he has to go to the bathroom really bad. He Calls over to the janitor. Jim ,the janitor, comes over and Father Larry explains that he has to go to the bathroom and wants Jim to take over in the confession booth for him. Jim explains that he is not even catholic and does not think it would be appropriate for him to take over, Father Larry insist and explains to Jim that if somebody enters the booth to just look up the punishment in the book on the table. Jim agrees and sits down in the booth.

The first sinner comes in and says Father I have sinned, I have cursed at my mother Jim thumbs through the book and finds cursing at mother. Jim reads the note and tells the sinner to say two hail Mary’s and they are forgiven.

A minute later another sinner comes into the booth and says Father I have sinned, I cheated on my test. Once again Jim looks it up in the book and tells the sinner to say three our Fathers and they will be forgiven.

Jim starts top enjoy his new job and becomes more relaxed. The next sinner walks in and say Father please forgive me, I have sinned. Jim says My son, What have you done The sinner replies I have had anal sex Jim, feeling very comfortable goes over to the book and looks up anal sex, not finding anything he checks again, but sure enough they is nothing for anal sex. Jim starts to get worried and then he notices little Billy playing out back. Jim calls out to Billy hey Billy what does Father Larry give for anal sex?

Bill shouts back Two twinkies and a coke!

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him and says, Glad
to see you; weve got your place all ready. Peter then takes the
Pope down the street and shows him his new home: a small but
comfortable cottage of 5 rooms. Peter advises the Pope to settle in,
and then wander around meeting the other residents.

The Pope meets many old friends and makes several new ones over the
next few days. One of these is a former lawyer who invites the Pope
over for lunch. On arriving, the Pope is astounded to see a 45 room
mansion, with built-in sauna and weight-room, a beautiful library, and
spacious, airy rooms.

After lunch, the Pope spies St. Peter on the street and says, Not to
complain, but Im curious as to why I have a small cottage while the
lawyer I just met has a stupendous mansion.

St. Peter replied, Well, you see, we have many Popes up here, but
only one lawyer.

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.The priest tells the sinner You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Marys.Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.This time the priest asks, Who is Fannie Green?A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replies. Very well, says the priest. Go and say 10 Hail Marys. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits in with her legs slightly spread apart.The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, Is that Fannie Green?The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies No Father, I think its just the reflection from her shoes.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its O.K., he replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think theres baseball in heaven?"Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But lets make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you — and if you die first, you come back and tell me — if there is baseball in heaven."They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol… Sol…."Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?""Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?""Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news.""Gimme the good news first," says Sol.Abe says, "Well… there is baseball in heaven."Sol says, "Thats great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"Abe sighs and whispers, "Youre pitching on Friday."

Contrary to popular belief, Gods last name is not damn.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.

When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot.

Yep, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, Im trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed.

Warn me, eh? Who are you?

Moses, replied the parrot.

Moses? The burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The parrot replied, Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

Every time a new Pope is elected, there are many rituals and ceremonies to perform, in accordance with tradition.

But theres one tradition that very few people know about…
Shortly after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the Popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is elected.

John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

My brother, the Holy Father whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?

The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history.

The Pope said: Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret. The Chief Rabbi agreed.

Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the Last Supper.