A man stayed in his house as a flood engulfed his town. Two men in a
rowboat came to his house and offered to take him to safety. No thank you,
the man said, G-d will help me. As the waters rose, the man retreated to
the second story of his house. Now, two men in a motorboat came by and offered
to rescue him. Again, the man declined, saying, No thank you, G-d will
help me. As the waters rose still higher, the man retreated again to the
rooftop of his house. A helicopter came by, and someone inside it threw down
a rope, urging the man to grab it and be pulled up into the helicopter. Once
more, the man declined and said, No thank you, G-d will help me. Whereupon
a mighty voice called out to the man, You idiot! I sent you a rowboat,
a motorboat, and now a helicopter. What more do you want me to do?.

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, Oh, is this place what I think it is? Its so beautiful! Did I make it into heaven?

St. Peter replied, Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you may enter.

The woman was very excited, of course, and she asked St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. Spell a word, St. Peter replied.

What word? she asked.

Any word, St. Peter answered. Its your choice.

The woman promptly replied, Then the word I will spell is love. L, O, V, E, love.

St. Peter congratulated her on making it into Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he ran a quick errand. Id be honored, she said, but what should I do if someone comes while youre gone?

St. Peter reassured her and instructed the woman, Just have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates spell a word as you did.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peters chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. Shes shocked to realize its her husband.

What happened? she cried. Why are you here?

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now Im here? Did I make it into Heaven with you?

Not yet, the woman replied, First you have to spell a word correctly.

Which word? he asked.

The woman replied, Czechoslovakia.

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

No, head abbot, the first monk said, its too evil for me to admit!

The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution! said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. I – I – I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee whitener….

Enough! said the head abbot, enraged. Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbots instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. What did you do last night?
demanded the head abbot.

I cant say! Its much too evil!

The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!

Okay, agreed the second monk. I had all manner of sex. I had sex
with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of
flora, my CD player…

Enough! cried the head abbot. That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy
Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

What, asks the head abbot, did you do this evening?

No, head abbot, its too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!

The agreement, monk! You must tell me!

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. All right, head abbot. Last
night I…I…

Yes?

I pissed in the Holy Water.

You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When…

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish.

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The pastor wears boots.

The preacher says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering
and five guys stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of.

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the OK Chorale.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a secret sin.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, Yall come back now, yah
hear?

Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, I have some good news and some bad news. Then the other persom says,tell me. so he says,The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow.

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.

Twenty bucks a trick!

These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naiveté by asking the Mother Superior, What is a trick?

She answers, Twenty bucks — just like on the street.

This wife has been married for seven years and has
six kids and is tired of being pregnant. So, she goes
to talk to her priest, the priest tells her to go and
by a ten gallon bucket and stick her feet in it of a night,
she thanks him and goes off to do as he says.

Well six months later the priest sees her and sure enough
she is pregnant again. The priest asks her if she followed
his instructions, she said yes but that she could not find
a ten gallon bucket so she bought two five gallon buckets.

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as
the plate was being passed he said…

Brothers and Sisters, I dont like to have to do this, but there is a
man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioners wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.

Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two
dollar bill with a note that read Forever hold your peace, Ill have
that other three dollars before sundown.

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly, That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didnt *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. 1,228, he answered.

Thats right! You may enter.

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. Name them.

Santa Claus is making his rounds, and suddenly becomes startled by a
beautiful woman gracefully walking down the stairs in a very sheer
nightgown.

Santa Claus, will you make love to me? she asks seductively
Santa replies Ho,Ho,Ho, Santas gota go… Gota deliver toys to all the
good little girls and boys.

The lady, removing her nightgown is now in a very tight and lacy teddy
and again asks:Santa Claus, will you make love to me?

Santa, sweating now, gains his composure and still replies Ho,Ho,Ho,
Santas gota go… Gota deliver toys to all the good little girls and
boys.

The beautiful woman proceeds to take off the teddy, revealing her
worderfully formed nude body and again asks: Santa Claus, will you make
love to me? even more seductively

Santa, cant take it anymore and replies Hey, hey, hey, Looks like
Santas gotta stay…there aint now way Im getting up the chimney this
way!