This guy was out playing his weekly round of golf when he hit
a shot into the trap off the 11th green. So he pulls out his sand wedge
and takes a swing at the ball only to hit something metallic underneath.
Being curious, he digs away the sand only to find what looks like Aladins
Lamp. Its kind of dirty, so he takes out his golf towel to clean it off.
All of a sudden… POOF! … a genie apears from the lamp and says,

Sir, you have freed me from the lamp! For this I will grant you 3 wishes!

The man thinks for a moment and says, You know, I have everything I could
possibly want. Give the wishes to someone else. He quickly putts out and
leaves for the 12th tee.

The genie is flabergasted. To think that someone in this world could feel
so fulfilled that he could pass up not just 1 but 3 wishes! I know what
Ill do. To reward him, Ill grant him 3 things without him knowing. Now
lets see. What does every man want? Money! He will have all the money
he can use. Power! Every man wants that. And what else? … Sex! All
that he wants.

A couple of weeks later the man is coming toward the 11th green and there
is the genie – sunning himself in the trap.

Genie: (feeling smug) Hey. Hows it going?

Man: Couldnt be better. Last week I raised over $1,000,000 and gave the
most spellbinding and effective talk of my life. It looks like Im
gaining more influence among my peers and superiors. Things are great.

Genie: If you dont mind me asking, hows your sex life?

Man: Its great. Ive had two women in the last two weeks.

Genie: (looking puzzled) TWO women? Thats not very good!

Man: It is if youre a priest in a small parish!

Jeff David

A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when confronted by
a room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer. He asks a nearby
demon if this is really hell, and what was so bad about the place.

Well, said the demon, the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and
the blondes dont!

Did you here about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?
He couldnt get to sleep at night wondering if there really was a dog!

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said Im sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

Great! said the first guy, I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

No problem, replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. And what do you want to be, St. Peter asked the other guy.

Id like to be one cool stud! was the reply.

Easy, replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. Youll find them easily, he says, One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them How do you like it so far?

The mouse replied Its great, but can I get a pair of roller skates? God said Sure, and he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the cat and asked him How do you like it up here so far? and the cat replied Great, I didnt know you had meals on wheels up here!

Moses is sitting in the Egyptian ghetto, things are going terrible: the
Pharoah wont even talk to him, the rest of the Hebrews are mad at him
for making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. Hes about
ready to give up.

Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice speaks from above: You, Moses, heed
Me. I have good news, and bad news.

Moses is staggered. The voice continues:

You, Moses, will lead the
people of Israel from bondage. If the pharoah refueses to release your
bonds I will smote egypt with a rain of frogs.

You, Moses, will lead
the people of Israel to the promised land. If the pharoah blocks your
way I will smote egypt with a plague of locusts.

You, Moses, will lead
the people to freedom and safety. If the pharoahs army pursues you, I
will part the waters of the red sea to open your path to the promised
land.

Moses is stunned. He stammers, Thats, thats fantastic, I cant
believe it! – but whats the bad news?

You, moses, must write the environmental impact statement.

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, Because its Lent.

Almost in tears, she remarked, Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?

A wise man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord, God, what does a million years mean to you?

The Lord replies, A minute.

The wise man asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you?

The Lord replies, A penny.

The wise man asks, Can I have a penny?

The Lord replies, In a minute.

What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?

Their middle name.