When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

Fine, says God, Women get multiple orgasms

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?

They dont like to look down on the unemployed.

After a long life of unselfish service, Father John OMalley died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, wed like to do something special for you. You name it; its yours. John thought for a moment and said: Id like a private audience with the Holy Mother. St Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John to the Holy Mothers sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: Holy Mother, Ive always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that? Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: I always wanted a girl.

A little boy walks up to preacher after morning service and says When I
grow up, Im gonna give you a lot of money!.

The preacher laughs and says
Thats great, why?.

The little boy answers Cause my dad says youre the
poorest preacher we ever had!

Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Seth. A little confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Bob, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Bob was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, Dave, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman! And Dave, like Bob, was whisked off.

Seth, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford! Delighted, Seth jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.

Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: Cindy, you have sinned…

There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.

As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.

Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.

The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…

– Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.

The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…

– Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.

With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…

– Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.

The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…

– Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.

The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…

– In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!

One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…

– Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, AFTER shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis?



Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man.



Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he said, turned to the man and apologized. Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?



I dont have arthritis, Father, but I just read in the paper that the Pope has does.

A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought Id done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."

A Jew, a Catholic and an Episcopalian were standing at the gates of Hell.
Satan came out, and looked them over.

Why are you here? he asked the Jew. I ate pork, the Jew admitted.
Okay, come on in, replied Satan. Then he turned to the Catholic.

What are you doing here? Satan asked the Catholic. I ate meat on Friday
long before His Holiness said it was okay, the Catholic answered. Well,
then, come in, Satan said.

Then he looked at the Episcopalian. Why on earth are you down here?
Satan asked. The Episcopalian hung his head in shame as he answered,

I used the wrong fork.