Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked Women and the other marked Men. He took the path assigned to men.
There were two more paths, one marked Married Men, the other Unmarried Men. Because Albert had been married he took the corresponding path and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses; the other gate read Men Who Were Not Dominated By Their Spouses. The first gate had an endless line of chaps waiting, but only one little guy stood before the second gate.

Albert found this very interesting, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, Why are you standing at this gate, a little guy like you?

The smallish fellow replied, I have not any clue. My wife told me to stand here.

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.Finally, the drunk replied, No use knockin, mate, theres no paper in this one either.

A
drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat
down in a confession box, saying nothing. The bewildered
priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the
man said nothing.
The priest then knocked on the wall three times in
a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,
the drunk replied, "No use knockin, mate, theres
no paper in this one either."

One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, Mom, what exactly is Heaven?

The woman replied, Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day.

Then what, the daughter asked, is Hell?

Her mother replied, Thats what I have to pay when your father walks in while Im in Heaven.

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a

practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.



One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.



Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but…then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a whump and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.



He turned to the priest and said, Father, Im sure that I missed that lawyer.



And the priest replied, Thats OK, my son, I got him with the door.

A man and a woman are in a hotel and are about to have sex. They already have all of their clothes off and are in the bed when the woman says, I want a pack of cigarettes.

The man says, You want a pack of cigarettes… before? She says, Ya, Ill concentrate better if I have a smoke.

The man says, OK, and goes to get a pack of cigarettes. He doesnt think to get dressed because it is so late. He goes to the cigarette machine and decides to buy two packs just in case. He starts heading back to his room when he sees three nuns. He poses as a statue and hopes theyll pass by.

The nuns come over to him and since they had never seen a naked man they thought he was a vending machine. The first nun searches for the trigger mechanism and pulls his johnson. Startled, he drops a pack of cigarettes. The second nun does the same and he drops the other pack of cigarettes. When the third nun executes the maneuver she says, Look girls it has lotion, too!

A priest and a nun were riding a camel through the desert and the camel passed out and died. Since the priest and the nun had no way to travel they knew they were going to die. The priest asked the nun, Since we are going to die anyway is there anything I can do for you?

The nun replied, Well… Ive never seen a naked man before. The priest being the kind man that he was took all of his clothes off.

Pointing at the priests dick, the nun asked, What is that?

The priest said,It is my sternum.

What does it do? Asked the nun.

It brings forth life. said the priest.

Then the nun said, Well stick that on up in the camel and lets get outta here!

Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, At least they are finally together.

A man standing next to the priest asks,
Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?

The priest says, I mean her legs.

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were rising, a man was on the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row boat told the man on the stoop to get in and hed save him. The man on the stoop said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty soon they were up to the mans roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house to climb up the rope because the helicopeter had come to rescue him. The man in the house wouldnt get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
"What more do you want from me?" asked God. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter."

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that hes the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com