Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor what did you do on Earth?

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, you may go in.

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her you may go in.

St. Peter asked the third man, what did you do? The man hung his head and replied, I ran a large HMO. To which St. Peter replied, you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.

A man, heavily drunk, went to church on a Sunday, few minutes before the mass began. The priest, who was standing outside the church, asked him, “Don’t you now that it is a sin to come to church after drinking alcohol?” The man replied coolly, “I know that, Father. I have come to confess, to purge my sins.”

A quite sobered up drunk is at Sunday mass listening to a long boring
sermon. Feeling still hungover and tired he finally nods out hoping
no one will notice. The priest has been watching him all along and at
the end of the sermon decides to make an example out of him.

Who in this room would like a place in heaven please stand up
he exclaims. The whole room stands up except of course for one. Obviously
displeased he now says loudly, and he who would like to find a place in hell
please STAND UP. The man catching only the last part, groggily stands up
only to find that hes the only one standing up. Confused and embarrassed
he says, I dont know what were voting on here father but sure seems like
you and me are the only ones standing for it.

One day the parishioners of a church decided the church needed repainting. They gathered up all their supplies, bought all their paint and began painting. Halfway through the job they realized that there wouldnt be enough paint and they didnt want to spend anymore money to buy more. So, they began to thin the pain with water until there was enough to finish. As they put the last stroke on the church the heavens parted and rain gushed down. All the thinned paint ran off the side of the church and into the gutters. A voice bellowed from above REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!

Did you hear the one about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act, the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and heavens from nothing.The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great Void, only Chaos!The programmer simply smiled and said,
Where do you think the Chaos came from?

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks. What are those used for? he asked. St. Peter said, theres one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives.

The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. Why do they move at different speeds, he asked. St.Peter said, Every time you tell a lie you lose one day of your life.

The newcomer looked around and then asked, Do you have one of these for Laloo Prasad Yadav ? St. Peter answered, Sure, it is in the back room, we use it for a ceiling fan!!

One day, heaven is beginning to fill up (of course due to the population explosion), so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven. How many wise men were there? St. Peter asks the first man. Three. He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.How long did the flood last? St. Peter asks the second man. Forty days and forty nights. He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters. Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the second man. Finally, he asks, What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?The man thinks and thinks, but cant come up with an answer. Boy, thats a hard one, he finally says. And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, Where have you been?

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look, Michael, look what Ive made. Archangel Michael
looked puzzled and said, What is it?

Its a planet, replied God, and Ive put Life on it. Im going to call
it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance.

Balance?, inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. For example, northern
Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern
Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hotspot.

Over there Ive placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people, God continued, pointing to different Ê
continents.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold
and covered in ice.

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass
and said, Whats that?

Ah, said God. Thats Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There
are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and climate. The people from Florida
are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be
found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and
high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!

God replied wisely, Wait until you see the idiots Im sending them from
the North every winter!

I dont go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons.

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench one day. A flasher walked up and showed
them his stuff.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nuns arm was too short.