What were the last words spoken before the first Christams?

– Push, push!

Two friends John and Dave were two huge baseball fans. Their entire lives, John and Dave talked baseball. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.



One night, John passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Dave awoke to the sound of Johns voice from beyond.



John is that you? Dave asked.



Yes, its me, John replied.



This is unbelievable Dave exclaimed. So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?



Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?



Tell me the good news first.



Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven.



Oh, that is wonderful, So what is the bad news?



Youre pitching tomorrow night.

A biker dies and wakes up in heaven. Upon looking back on his life he realises he shouldnt be here so he says to himself I should ask God why Im here.

When he asks him, God said, There is no Hell. This is the only place you can go.

So the biker looks around and notices
a group of people outside of the pearly gates, kicking themselves in the ass, and he said What about them?

God says They didnt know this was the only place you could go either, so they were good their whole lives.

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell.

Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door.

The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms.

The priest asks him, How can you ring the bell?

The man said, Let me show you.

So they went up to the top of the bell tower and the man started hitting the bell with his head.

The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, and then he goes flying through the window.

Two more priests come running and ask, What happened? Who was that?

The second priest said, I dont know but that face sure rings a bell!

A Muslim dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter meets him at the gate and says, Welcome to heaven my son, please enter!

The Muslim says Oh no, no, I cannot enter without seeing Allah. St. Peter says, Oh… Allah. He is upstairs.

The Muslim says, Well of course, Allah is upstairs! He climbs upstairs and meets Jesus.

Jesus says Welcome to heaven my child, please enter! And the Muslim says Oh no, no, with all due respect, I cannot enter without seeing Allah.

Jesus says But of course…Allah is upstairs, top floor.

The Muslim smiles and thinks to himself, Of course, Allah is on top of heaven itself because He is most high!

At the final gate he meets the all mighty Lord himself who says Welcome to heaven my child, please enter.

As expected, the Muslim says he cannot enter without meeting Allah, to which the Lord replies I understand, my child…Allah is here. But he is busy right now. Why dont you have a seat and wait for him?

The Muslim is so excited that his Allah is so important, after all he always believed this was so. The Lord says to the Muslim Why you must be parched, would you like a drink?

The Muslim says, Yes, I would like a drink. I would like that very much.

And the Lord asks, Would you like a Coke?

The Muslim says Yes, that sounds good, thank you.

The Lord says, It does indeed. I think Ill join you.

And with that the Lord snapped his fingers and said, Allah, bring two cokes!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, Religion?

The man says, Methodist.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. Religion?

Baptist.

Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates. Religion?

Jewish.

Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

The man says, I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?

St. Peter tells him, Well the Jehovahs Witnesses are in room 8, and they think theyre the only ones here.

An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the
taxi approached a red light, the tourist was shocked to see
the driver drive straight through without even slowing down.

Surprised as he was, he didnt say anything, feeling himself
a guest and not wanting to make waves. The trip continued
without event until the next intersection. This time the
light was green and, to the Americans dismay, the cab driver
brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to contain
his astonishment, he turns to the driver:

Listen, he says, when you went through the red light, I
didnt say anything. But, why, in heavens name, are you
stopping at a green light?!

The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was
deranged:

Are you crazy?! he shouts. The other guy has a red
light–do you want to get us killed?!

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boys mind, sat him and said: God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white. To which the child responded, Well, then is God Michael Jackson?

Why dont mormons make love standing up?

They worry that it could lead to dancing.