How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her up as an altar boy.

This priest was hearing a womans confession when a drunk stumbled
into the booth on the opposite side. As the priest was finishing
with her he heard the drunk groaning as if in quite some pain.
He slid open the other panel and asked, Are you ok? All
he heard was another groan. He asked again and the drunk finally
replied, Yeah, I feel lots better. Do you have any toilet
paper on your side?

Sam Saal

Two daughters had been given parts in the Christmas pageant at their church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14-year-old said to her eight-year-old younger sister,
Well, you ask Mum. Shell tell you its harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says Ill take this option.

Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!

Thats what everyone thinks snickered Satan.

The bottle has a hole in it!

What about the PC?

Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan.

And its missing three keys,

Which three?

Control, Alt and Delete.

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.

walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, God,

there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?.

God replied, Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.

St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling God, God, theyre gone, theyre gone!

Who, the New Yorkers?.

No, the Pearly Gates.

10. Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?

9. Hey, there are more than two flies in here!

8. Wasnt someone supposed to put two shovels on board?

7. OK, whos the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?

6. Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!

5. Dont Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!

4. No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!

3. And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.

2. Nice Doggie!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAHS ARK…..

1. Are We There Yet?

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.

Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!

Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence.

This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am?

The man says, Yep, sure do.

Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me?

The man says, Nope, sure aint.

Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me?

Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent.

The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him.

Twenty bucks a trick!

These solicitations embarrass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent.

Once inside he displays his naiveté by asking the Mother Superior, What is a trick?

She answers, Twenty bucks — just like on the street.

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.

The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.

GOD said if you dont tell them to stop, Ill sue you.

Satan started laughing and replied You think youll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?

A man worked in a post office. His job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, “I better open this one and see what it’s all about.”

So he opened it and it read: “Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check.” “Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with.” “I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?”

The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, “Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?” “Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. “ “By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office.”