The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

‘Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.

St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

‘Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

He also explained, A man doth not live by sweat alone.

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

Bless their little hearts!

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.

A big, burly man visited the pastors home and asked to see the ministers wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

Madam, he said in a broken voice, I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400.

How terrible! exclaimed the preachers wife. May I ask who you are?

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. Im the landlord, he sobbed.

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.With even greater emphasis he said, And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And then finally, he said, And if I had all the whiskey in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: Shall We Gather at the River.

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didnt want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, What shall I do?

A voice came back from the heavens saying, Repaint, and thin no more!

What was the first thing the pope said when he met the Devil?

Oh, my god.

The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all
assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states,
I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news. Of
course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope
tells them, Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of
judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified.

After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up,
asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies, He was calling from
Salt Lake City.

A young Jewish boy starts attending public school in a small town. The teacher
of the one-room school decides to use her position to try to influence the
new student. She asks the class, Who was the greatest man that ever lived?
A girl raises her hand and says, I think George Washington was the greatest
man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country. The teacher
replies, Well…thats a good answer, but thats not the answer I am looking
for. Another young student raises his hand and says, I think Abraham
Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped
end the civil war. … Well, thats another good answer, but that is not
the one I was looking for. Then the new Jewish boy raises his hand and
says, I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived. The
teachers mouth drops open in astonishment. Yes!, she says, thats the
answer I was looking for. She then brings him up to the front of the
classroom and gives him a lollipop. Later, during recess, another Jewish boy
approaches him as he is licking his lollipop. He says Why did you say,
Jesus Christ? The boy stops licking his lollipop and replies, I know
its Moses, and YOU know its Moses, but business is business.

These two kids about 12 or 13 go to confession. The first one goes into
the confessional and admits having sex with a girl.

The priest says, It wasnt Carmen Angelozi was it?

The kid says No father, it wasnt.

The priest says, It wasnt Angela Fetucini was it?

The kid replies, No father, it wasnt.

The priest then says, It wasnt Maria Carmella was it?

The kid once again says, No father it wasnt.

The priest then says, Well, for your pennance say 50 Hail Marys and leave
half your allowance in the offering for 2 weeks.

When the kid leaves the confessional his friend asks him how it went to
which he replies, not bad and I got 3 leads.

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in
the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, Tell me, Becky,
have you heard by chance whats going on in Rome?
No, said Mrs Finkelstein. I havent. Whats going on in Rome?
A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus.
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. Indeed? And who is
responsible, then?
Im not sure, said Mrs. Moskowitz. I think they suspect the
Puerto Ricans.