Three seminarians about to undergo their final test before ordination were
taken by an old priest into a luxurious room, told to strip and then tie a
small bell around their organ. Suddenly a ravishing girl entered the room,
and one bell ding-a-linged furiously. To the showers, Fogarty! barked the
old priest.

Then, as the girl tantalizingly undressed, the father heard ding-a-ling,
ding-a-ling.

Sorry about that, OBrian. The showers for you, too.

Finally alone with the naked lovely, the remaining seminarian watched as
the girl writhed seductively about him; yet he somehow remained calm and
the bell silent.

Praise the Lord and congratulations, Featherstone! the priest exulted.
You made it! Now go join those weaker souls in the showers.

Ding-a-ling.

You Know Youve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When….



1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, Call a priest!

9. You hear a duck quacking and its you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

18. Youre at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

21. You realize youre the only one under the coffee table

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then, the rabbi turns to the priest and hands him a twenty dollar bill and says, Hey Father…here’s that $20 I owe you.

The bell-ringer for the church had just passed away, so the priest was looking for someone new to ring the bell. Then one day this man comes out of nowhere and starts banging on the door. The priest opens the door and sees that the man has no arms. The priest asks him, "How can you ring the bell?" The man said, "Let me show you." They went up to the bell and the man started hitting the bell with his head. The bell starts to swaying and the man misses, then he goes flying through the window. Two more priests come running and ask, "What happened? Who was that?" The second man said, "I dont know but that face sure rings a bell."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:



Sip the vodka, dont gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

We do not refer to the cross as the big T!

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say ,Eat me.

The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the Mary with the cherry.

The reccomended grace before a meal is not:Rub-Adub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrots neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. Hes met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An R! They left out the R”.God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "Its the letter R… the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they ooohed and aaahed, the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.

The old man asked, What are the green fees?

Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

How much to eat? asked the old man.

Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods? the old man asked timidly.

Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

The old man looked at his wife and said, You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. Welcome to Heaven, says St. Peter. Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so were not sure what to do with you. No problem, just let me in, says the senator.Well, Id like to but I have orders from higher up. What well do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity. Really, Ive made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven. Im sorry but we have our rules, replies St. Peter.And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now its time to visit Heaven. The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. Well then, youve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity. The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, Well, I would never have said it, I mean

THE QUARTERBACK SNEAK: People who leave Mass before its over without grave reason.DRAFT CHOICE: Choose a seat near the back door.DRAW PLAY: What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during Mass.BENCH WARMER: Those whose only participation is their attendance at Sunday Mass.BACKFIELD IN MOTION: Making two or three trips outside the Church during Mass.STAY IN THE POCKET: What happens to a lot of money that ought to go to the Church.SUDDEN DEATH: The penalty to the priest who preaches more than twenty minutes.THE BLITZ: The mad stampede for the doors as the Iconastasis doors are closed.