On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, I dont know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesnt work? they wondered, Are we stuck together FOREVER?After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, you CAN get married in Heaven.Great! said the couple, But we were just wondering, what if things dont work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard to the ground. Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple. OH, COME ON!! St. Peter shouts, It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long itll take me to find a lawyer?

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their freedom. As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of boys from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, I dont know about you, but in MY congregation, its my face they would recognize.

A young man in high school was falling behind in his classes, he was also getting into other trouble(fights, drugs, sex, etc). His family was rather religious so they asked thier local priest to talk to thier child. Thier conversation went something like this;Priest: Son, why are you falling behind in school?
Kid: I was just following the bible father.
Priest: …any paticular part?
Kid: The book of procrastination.
Priest: …I dont quite remember that one…
Kid: of course not, God never got around to putting it in.

God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action
suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a
temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the
cease and desist order for the earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in
the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, Let there be light, and immediately the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would
come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to
make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire:
that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would
turn the light off half the time. God agreed and said he would call the
light Day and the darkness Night. Officials replied that they were
not interested in semantics.

God said, Let the earth bring forth green herb and bear much seed.
The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, Let
waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life; and the fowl that
may fly over the earth. Officials pointed out this would require
approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly
Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was O.K. until God said he wanted to complete the project
in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10-12 month approval period before…

At this point God created Hell.

How Many Church Members Does it Take to Change A Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.

Amish: Whats a light bulb?

Heard from a friend…

Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first man, WHAT IS EASTER?

The man replies, Oh, thats easy, its the holiday in November when everybody
gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful…

WRONG, replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
question, WHAT IS EASTER?

The second man replies, No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
third man and asks, WHAT IS EASTER?

The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.

I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
the last supper and He was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
of his disciples. The Romans took Him to be crucified and was stabbed in the
side, made Him wear a crown of thorns, and He was hung on a cross. He was
buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if He sees his shadow
there will be six more weeks of winter.