There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its o.k., he replied, its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created

10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!

And the #1 reason why God created Eve…

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, I can do better than that!

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to a private Catholic school to rectify the situation.

Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boys grades were straight As, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.

Oh, its all right, I guess, he replies.

They must be teaching you some new tricks!

Not really.

Then what do you think is making the difference in your math grades?

Well, he says, as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!

The Lesson:

The Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathering them
around him, he taught them saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst justice.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven…

Then Simon Peter said, Do we have to write this down?
And Andrew said, Are we supposed to know this?
And James said, Will we have a test on it?
And Phillip said, What if we dont know it?
And Bartholomew said, Do we have to turn this in?
And John said, The other disciples didnt have to learn this.
And Matthew said, When do we get out of here?
And Judas said, What does this have to do with the real life?

Then one of the Pharisees present asked to see Jesus Lesson plans and
inquired of Jesus his terminal objectives in the cognitive domain…
and Jesus wept.

(Copied off one of our Bulletin Boards here at Dekalb College)
Signed (actually typed)
Joseph Murphy (aka murphyjo@dekalb)

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to
return to earth as anyone they want.

The first nun thinks it over and says
Id like to return as Sophia Loren.

St. Peter says Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.

The second nun thinks and says Id like to be Gina Lollabrigida.

St. Peter says No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida.

The third nun says I think Id like to be Virginia Pipeline.

St. Peter says, Hmmm, I dont think I know of anyone named Virginia
Pipeline.

At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning
paper: Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.



Inside the closet, the little boy says, Its dark in here, isnt it?

Yes it is, the man replies.

You wanna buy a baseball? the little boy asks.

No thanks, the man replies.

I think you do want to buy a baseball, the little extortionist continues.

OK. How much? the man replies after considering the position he is in.



Twenty-five dollars, the little boy replies.

TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.



The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

Its dark in here, isnt it? the boy starts off.

Yes it is, replies the man.

Wanna buy a baseball glove? the little boy asks.

OK. How much? the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

Fifty dollars, the boy replies and the transaction is completed..



The next weekend, the little boys father says Hey, son.

Go get your ball and glove and well play some catch.

I cant. I sold them, replies the little boy.

How much did you get for them? asks the father, expecting to hear

the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

Seventy-five dollars, the little boy says.

SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! Thats thievery! Im taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.



At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says Its dark in here, isnt it?



Dont you start that crap in here, the priest says.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

Sure, GOD says, Go right ahead.

OK, the man says. Why did you make women so pretty?

GOD says, So you would like them.

OK, the guy says. But how come you made them so beautiful?

So you would LOVE them, GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, But why did you make them such airheads?

GOD says, So they would love you!

The old farmer was talking to his neighbor after Sunday school
and said:

I didnt realize how bored God is with baseball.
After all the preacher said, In the Big Inning,
God created the heavens and the earth…

A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbi
leans over and asks, So how high can you advance in your organization?
The Priest says If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.
Well, could you get any higher than that? asks the Rabbi.
I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Arch Bishop said the Priest a bit cautiously.
Is there any way that you might go higher than that?
If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal,
said the priest.
Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal? probed the Rabbi.
Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but…
So the Rabbi says And could you be anything higher than that?, is
there any way to go up from being the Pope?
What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!
The Rabbi leaned back and said One of our boys made it.
From dpn@panda.UUCP (Rambo) Wed Aug 28 12:40:51 1985
Newsgroups: net.jokes

One particular Christmas season, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but everything seemed to be going wrong. Four of his elves got sick and had to be replace with trainee elves, which slowed down the production line — so Santa was beginning to feel pressured and behind schedule early on. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to spend the holidays with them again, and that stressed out Santa even more.
It only got worse when he began to prepare for his trip. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them was about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where, which meant that more elves had to be pulled off the toy line to go find them. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards came loose and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere. He picked them up and then spent ten minutes looking around the shop for the right size nail for the damn board, and of course he whacked himself on the thumb while pounding it into the board.
Deeply frustrated at this point, Santa figured hed better have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey before heading out. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the liquor, whihc made Santa so angry that he slammed the coffee pot down on the table — and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mhis mother-in-law had taken it somehwere.
Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa went to answer it, cursing yet another interruption. He opened the door and there was a little angel with golden ringlets and a sparkly robe carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isnt it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isnt it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?” Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.