Once, there was this guy, who personally felt that he has committed lots of sinful crime and therefore decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at a church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. Father, I am sinful.

Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.

Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, its been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.

Thats bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake.

Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too.

Thats not very good of you.

Father, last month, I went to her uncles house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too. Father? ……… Father? suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. Father? Where are you? He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

Father, why are you hiding here?

Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me.

A man dies and goes to heaven.

As hes standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.

Hes dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, Who was that?

St. Peter answered Thats just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.

A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident.

When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.

Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, Ill grant your request.
All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.

Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar.

The Irishman begins shaking all over. Oh boy, could I use a drink, he says.

The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.

He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears.

The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath.

He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin.

Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.

A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a fairly large wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temples cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: Relax, you schmuck! Think of the odds well get on Yom Kippur!

At a church, a new priest was being trained. He was so nervous at his first mass
that he could hardly speak. Before his second week in the pulpit, he asked the
Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, Next week it may help if you
put some Vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go
smoothly.

The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice, and was able to
talk up a storm and did just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he
found a note from the Monsignor:

Next time, sip rather than gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples not 10.

David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.

We do not refer to our saviour Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and
the Boys.

Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter
pulling contest at St. Taffys.

We do not refer to the cross as the The Big T.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior, and the Spook.

The recommended Grace before meals is not Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub,
Yo God!

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was
stoned off his ass.

When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat
it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.

Last, but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, not Mary with the Cherry.

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says get in, get in! The religous man replies, no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle.

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause God will grant him a miracle.

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down. St. Peter chuckles and responds, I dont know what youre complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter.

Q: Did you hear heaven is going broke?

A: Yeah, Liberace is up there blowing all the prophets!

Liberace was a great pianist but he sucked on the organ.

Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven? I asked the children in my Sunday school class. NO! the children all answered. If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven? Again the answer was, NO!Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven? I asked them again. Once more they all answered, NO! Well, I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, then how can I get into heaven? A five-year-old boy shouted out, You gotta be dead!

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. Sorry, but you cant take your wealth with you. The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Hold on, you cant bring that in here! But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, Youre right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but Im supposed to check its contents before letting it through.

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, You brought pavement?!!!

One day, Jesus and the Devil were both working on their
computers. Jesus was typing away. The Devil was typing
away. Suddenly a huge blackout filled heaven and hell.
When the lights came back on, Jesus picked up right where
he left off, but the Devils screen was black. Satan says,
How could this happen? I did everything Jesus did!
Then one person in Hell says, No, Jesus Saves.