there was three nuns that died and went to heaven.when they got to the gate st peter was there and he asked the three nuns some questions about the bible the fist question waswhat was adams partners name?the first nun replied eveand she went inside,the second nun was asked what was the garden called?the second nun repliededenshe went in,finaly the third nun was asked a question he siad what was eves first thought about adam?the nun replied oh thats a hard one!

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldnt find a parking place.Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila.Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Pedro looked up again and said Never mind. I found one.

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick,
and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?

My son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
Im very sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you
had
arthritis?
I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his
new little town of all Catholics. That was okay, but the neighbors had a
problem with his barbecuing beef every Friday. Since they couldnt eat meat
on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the best of them. Hoping they
could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over
to talk to Ole. Ole, they said, since you are the only Lutheran in this
whole town and theres not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you
should join our church and become a Catholic.

Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right.
Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it. The big day came and the
priest had Ole kneel. He put his hand on Oles head and said, Ole, you
were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now, he said as he
sprinkled some incense over Oles head, now you are a Catholic!

Ole was happy and the neighbors were happy. But the following Friday
evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming
from Oles yard. The neighbors went to talk to him about this and as they
approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: You were born a
beef, you were raised a beef, and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he
said, and now you are a fish!

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit,
Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the
years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.

Thats a great honor, George said. Why would you turn it down?

Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin, he said.
And I dont wish to bother studying Latin just for that.

So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldnt know the difference.

Brilliant, Hy complimented me, but what should I say?

Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of
Passover? … Why is this night different from all other nights? Can
you say that in Hebrew?

Of course, he said. Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport,
I shall become a knight.

At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees
went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before
Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other,
and motioned for Hy to speak.

Out came Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh.

The queen turned to her husband and said, Why is this knight different
from all other knights?

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8
and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went
wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them.

Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the
boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed,
but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the
mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he
sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at
each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is
God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in
a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and
put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is
God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older
brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where
they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIIIIG
trouble.

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing… and they think we did it.

An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why.
Well, French is the language of heaven, he sighed. I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.
But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then? asked the doctor.
That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Sheila says, When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!

Sister Catherines eyes grow wide and she barked, What did you say?! A prostitute! Sheila repeated.

Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant

The archbishop was sitting in his study, figuring a crossword puzzle.
His colleague asked, How are you doing?

Well, answered the archbishop, Ive almost finished it, but Im
stuck with just one word. Whats a four-letter word meaning a
female and ending in u-n-t?

Why, came the answer, the word is aunt.

Oh yes, thats right! replied the archbishop, Lend me your eraser.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. Ive had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month. The priest tells the sinner, You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys. Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months. This time the priest asks, Who is this Fannie Green? A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replies. Very well, says the priest. Go and say ten Hail Marys. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?! The altar boy replies, No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes.