President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. Who goes there? inquired St. Peter.

Its me, Bill Clinton.

What bad things did you do on earth?

Clinton thought a bit and answered, Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldnt hold that against me because I didnt inhale. And I lied, but I didnt commit perjury.

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, OK, heres the deal. Well send you someplace where it is very hot, but we wont call it Hell. Youll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we wont call it eternity. And dont abandon all hope upon entering, just dont hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.

A nun is walking down a deserted road when a man grabs her and starts raping her. After the rapist is done, he says, Hey Sister, what are you going to tell the other Sisters now?

Ill tell them the truth, that you grabbed me, threw me to the ground, and raped me twice….unless youre tired. she responded.

[Ed: Well, pretty contrived, but… ]

The year is 1996. By this time, the American Governments policy of
Social Welfare has been extended to require that any married couple who
has not had a child within the first five years of marriage, must
receive the services of a government man who will attempt to be the means
of the wife becoming a mother.

There are no children in the family of this particular story: much to the
sorrow of the husband, and it is the morning of their fifth wedding
anniversary.

Husband – Well, goodbye, dear, Im off to the office. I suppose the
government man will be here shortly, computer-printed address and all.

He leaves with his head bowed. The wife pretties herself and powders her
nose just as the doorbell rings. She is expecting the government man, but
instead her caller is a baby photographer who has come to see if he could
interest her in some baby pictures. The following conversation ensues:

Lady: Oh, Good Morning.

Man: How do you do? You probably dont know me, but I represent—-

Lady: You neednt explain, Mr.—-

Man: Jones is the name, Madame, and I make a specialty of—-

Lady: Yes, of course, I know. Its all right. Wont you come in?

Man: Your husband probably told you that—-

Lady: Oh, yes, and we both agreed that it is the best thing to do.

Man: Well, in that case I might as well get busy.

Lady: Im not too familiar with the way you do this. Just where do we start?

Man: Just leave it to me, Madame. I recommend two in the bathtub, one or
two more on the couch, and a couple on the floor.

Lady: Bathtub? Couch? Floor? Good heavens.

Man: Well, my dear lady, even the best of us cant get a good one
every time, but out of six, one is bound to be a honey. I usually
have the best luck with the bathtub shots.

Lady: Youll have to forgive me, but it does seem a little informal.

Man: The charm of the whole thing is the informality. Perhaps you
would like to see some of my work?

Lady: Well, I suppose so —-, after all, there is no hurry, is there?

Man: No, indeed, a man in my line cant do his best work in a hurry.
(He opens his album and shows her.) Look at this baby. Its a good
job. Took four hours, but isnt it a beauty?

Lady: Yes, indeed a lovely child.

Man: But for a tough assignment, look at this job. Believe it or not,
it was done on top of a bus on Fifth Avenue.

Lady: My God.

Man: Well, there a little story behind that. The mother of the child was
a movie actress in need of a little publicity, and did she get it.

Lady: I should think so.

Man: Here is the picture of the handsomest of twins in town. I knocked
that out in Central Park on a snowy afternoon last winter. It took
me from two in the afternoon til five. I never worked under more
difficult conditions, with people four or five deep, crowding to
take a look.

Lady: Four or five deep?

Man: Yes people everywhere. Just imagine working more than three hours
under handicaps like that. I even had two cops helping me. I could
have gotten anther quick shot or two before dark, but by that time
the squirrels were nibbling on my equipment and I had to give up. Well,
Madame, if you are ready, Ill set up my tripod and well get started.

Lady: Your tripod?

Man: Yes, I always use a tripod to rest my equipment on, as its too heavy
for me to hold for any length of time, and – Good heavens, she
fainted………

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.And Satan said, It doesnt get any better than this.And God said, Let there be light, and there was light.And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, and God saw that it was good.And Satan said, There goes the neighborhood.And God said, Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping
thing that creepeth upon the Earth. And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.And Satan said, I know how I can get back in this game.And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.And Satan said to Man, You want fries with that?And Man said, Supersize them. And Man gained 5 pounds. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And God said, Try my crispy fresh salad.And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerrys. And Woman gained 10 pounds.And God said, I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so

This man goes to confession and says, Forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the F-word over the weekend. The priest says, Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language.



The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the F-word. The priest sighs and tells him to continue. Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church. The priest says, And you got upset over that and swore? The man replied, No, that wasnt why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees. The priest said, And thats when you swore.



The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, No, it wasnt. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree. The priest asked, Is that when you said the F-word?



The man replied, No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.



The priest let out a breath and queried, Is that when you swore?



The man replied, No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.



The priest screamed, Dont tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!

Get one of those fake hands that you can hang out of your car trunk.
Paint a red/brown splotch on the back of the hand.
Drive a large nail through the hand, palm first.
Stick it under your trunk lid, per instructions.
Place a bumper sticker under the hand reading: I FOUND JESUS!

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. What is it, child? Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am. The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.

Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation Genesis 3:10.

Genesis 3:10: And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.

What is white and flies across the sky?

The coming of the Lord.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, Theyre bells. Saint Peter said he may pass through the pearly gates.The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of womens panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize?The man replied………….Theyre Carols.