For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.

When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.
Have some fries.

Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.
Have some fries.

Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today.
Have some fries.

Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.
Cool! Me too! Have some fries.

Swarthmore: I got a B.
Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.

Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend.
Poor dear. Have some Escargot.

Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend?
Nope. Have some fries.

Williams: Dont I know you?
Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.

Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend.
Bummer. Have some fries.

Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets go get shot.

Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets transfer to Columbia.

Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend.
Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.

Dartmouth: Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.
Have some beer.

Tufts: I wish I were Ivy League.
Here, drink the fry grease.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you dont know what hes talking about.

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyones done eating. Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.

42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.

43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.

44. Find a full table. Ask, Is anyone sitting under there? Proceed to eat beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how nice everyones shoes look.

45. If sitting with someone with whom youre romantically interested, complain how the setting isnt very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the shattered glass from your partners food.

46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.

47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed to cough and sneeze on everyones food.

48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.

49. Request a waitress.

50. Comment on how good the food is.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

149. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, Well continue this later, while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

91. Always wear your safety goggles, theyre not kidding.

92. You just dont learn last names.

93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

97. Boys will dance in college.

98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

99. You are never alone.

100. You find out what beer sludge is.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you havent got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.