A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Larry Johnson. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Larry asked: What is the usual tip?

Well, replied the youth, this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, Ill be doing great. Is that so? snorted Larry. Well, just to show them how wrong they are, heres five dollars.

Thanks, replied the youth, Ill put this in my school fund.

What are you studying in school? asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: Applied psychology.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

108. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave Slim Jim wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.

29. If your walls are plastered with posters of half naked men or women (whichever your preference)

21. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

22. Play Kumbaya on the banjo.

23. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

24. Ask occassional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would know and move on before anyone can answer.

25. Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.

26. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

27. Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

28. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

29. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

30. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

15. Carry an unplugged phone around your room pretending to talk to people.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

179. Walk into walls.

41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom…and no curfew.

42. It was never this bad when you get sick.

43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when he leaves you the room.

45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression…its not!

46. Youll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

by Robert Chen

You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.

2. Dont go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.

3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.

4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn to the person nearest to you and say, Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly like that before?

5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.

6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced, request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.

7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at everyone elses, regardless of whether theyre finished eating or not. Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.

8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer. Then look at everybodys limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then involuntarily drool.

9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.

10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall–to every person in the dining hall.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

144. Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, Stupid road runner….