1. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

2. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name, rank, and serial number.

3. Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the funk.

4. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

5. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering tsk, tsk.

6. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

7. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

8. After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

9. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream MY PACEMAKER!

10. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

130. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; its actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

33. Pick up all new lingo.

34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

35. Dont burn bridges, especially if hes good in Biology.

36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

37. The health service attendants are there because they couldnt make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

94. Every time you wake up, start yelling, Where am I?! and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you dont know what he/she is talking about.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, Im melting, Im melting!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

77. Whenever youre on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. The Road Warrior, Repo Man, Casablanca,) almost inaudibly.

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, Quite right, old bean!

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond thats my name, dont wear it out!

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.