Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorines on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an A.

The last words of a chemist:

10. *H* stands for Nitrogen – and that does *not* burn…

11. Oh, now I have spilt something…

12. First the acid, then the water…

The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz

An eccentric physics professor is well known throughout campus for having strange tests which often border on the philosophical.

An ill-prepared student goes in for his final exam with this professor, racking his brain to keep all his formulas straight. He sits down, and the professor walks in to start the exam. Grinning, he sets a chair on his desk and writes the exams only question on the board: Prove that this chair does not exist. The student groans and drops his pencil, realizing that he hasnt any clue how to solve this problem. Deciding that if hes going to fail, hell do so with style, the student writes two words on his paper, turns it in, and gets the highest grade in the class.

His essay read simply, What chair?

The last words of a chemist:

22. Something is wrong here…

23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me – I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette…

Chemistry Wonderland

Gases explode, are you listenin
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, were happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, were happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if whats left is nitrate
My partner asks Do we measure it in moles or grams?
and Ill say, Does it matter in the end?

Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
Well face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, How much for a beer? The bartender looks at him, and says For you, no charge.

Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says Ill have what hes having.

Two atoms bump into each other. One says I think I lost an electron! The other asks, Are you sure?, to which the first replies, Im positive.

Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says sir can I get you a martini Descartes says I dont think… and he disappears

Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!

Heisenberg is out for a drive when hes stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says Do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg says No, but I know where I am.

Several short geology plays on words

Okay, if you are a real geologist, you probably enjoy transferring geology vocabulary into everyday situations. For example, if you agree with what someone has said, you may say, You breccia! or My sediments exactly!

And if you are not pleased with the persons statement, you may resort to the old:

Thats not gneiss!

Its So Easy
(Tune, Its so Easy)

Its with Cesium Im in love!
Its with Cesium Im in love!

People say that Im a fool,
When I take my Cesium into the pool.
And its so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yes its so easy,
Where my loves concerned,
To get myself burned.

But its with Cesium Im in love,
Its with Cesium Im in love!

I look into her flame and see,
A sky-blue light floodin over me.
Though its so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yeah its so easy,
When shes concerned,
To get myself burned.
Still its with Cesium Im in love,
Its with Cesium Im in love!

—Songs of Cesium #87

Welcome to Entropy Burgers — may I take your order?

I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all the time.

My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you.

I know the waitress who asked that, too. Her names Ellen Omega. She really made me thermally dynamic. So, I asked her out. I tell you, when she dont like you, she really Boltz, man. Women like that are never distributed normally among the population.

What kind of Poisson would say something like this?