REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST

– All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!

– Clark Kent style safety glasses

.- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances.

– The opportunity to deal with irate clients asking where are my results?

– Because its pHun 🙂

– Access to 100% pure ethanol

– Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

– You never have to worry about what youre doing on Friday night (Youre working in the lab)

– Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.

– You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.

– ditto for cancer

– You are adept at poverty cooking

– You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)

(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much Id dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat thats hard to bear.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.

(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin hotly.
Cesium shinin so bright.
Cesium —
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.

(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give em that glow.
Cesium —
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!

(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!

They needed Cesium!
Flamin madly.
Cesium burnin so blue.
Cesium —
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.

(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesiums the stuff to heat you up,
And you aint gonna find no shade!

Youll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium —
Its almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!

— Songs of Cesium #96

Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?

A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.

DURING my freshman biology class at North High School in Springfield, Ohio, our teacher was lecturing on the conditions in which bacteria exist. Elaborating on the acidic environment where certain bacteria thrive, he suggested a simple experiment. I want you to drop a nail into a glass of Coke or Pepsi, and then observe the acidic reaction on the nail, he said. The girl sitting next to me raised her hand and asked in all seriousness, Do you mean a real nail, or a press-on?

— Contributed to Tales Out of School by Carolyn Stickney © 1996 The Readers Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)

Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

They know that Chlorines on its way
Hes loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every students slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.

And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although its been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.

ON A CHEMISTRY TEST at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill. In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill — and got full credit.

— Contributed to Tales Out of School by Joe Astorino © 1996 The Readers Digest Association, Inc. All rights reserved.

Top ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, Does this taste funny to you?

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as KKK.

During grammar school science experiements into properties of different alcohols:

The residue of each test was tipped down the sinks, which were grouped in threes. There were no U-bends, but each group of sinks emptied into a single box, which overflowed into the mains sewers. Presumably this was intended to retain things like droplets of mercury, which was not banned from use when I was 16.

During the session, my bunsen went out, so I re-lit it with a splint lit from the teachers bunsen. For safetys sake (!) I dropped the burning splint into the sink, intending to extinguish it with water, instead of waving it around in the alcohol fumes. A small blue flame disappeared down the plughole. Hum, thinks I, I wonder where thats going?

I opened the cupboard neath the sink, only to find the drain box, full of alcohol, a roaring mass of flame. Shutting the doors, I called out, Er, Sir… just as the inch-thick wooden lids blew off the adjacent un-used sinks. Fortunately, the back-blast extinguished the flames under the cupboard, so the box only sagged slightly!

The last words of a chemist:

16. O no, wrong beaker…

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away…

Deck the Labs

Deck the labs with rubber tubing
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fill the beakers with solutions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
Fa la la la la, la la la la.