The last words of a chemist:

4. … and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

The last words of a chemist:

1. And now the tasting test.

2. May that become hot?

3. And now a little bit from this…

Total immersion geologists

Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: What did you think of that Superbowl game last night? I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because its called rock music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side youre parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. Youre not sure if you have children.

9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

Cesium the Beautiful

Oh beautiful for blue of skies,
Among thy spectral lines.
When cast upon the waters clear,
Thy splendid fire shines.
Oh Cesium,
Oh Cesium,
Our days we trust to thee.
Thy faultless rhyme,
In keeping time,
From care doth set us free.

—Songs of Cesium #68

A metrologist from Dover left on a trip. She was to take the Chunnel to Calais, go south to Perpignan, go to Sèvres, and return home. She never made
it. The obituary reported that she had gone to make her meter.

(The first meter was determined by surveying the longest north-south distance in France, which is pretty close to the line from Calais to Perpignan.)

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

It will give me time to get away said the professor.

I Wish I had a Pound

Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
I would take it in the shower,
And Id glory in its power.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.

—Songs of Cesium #111

Cesiums Strange
(Tune, People are strange – The Doors)

Cesiums strange,
when youre a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.

Dont take it out in the rain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Dont you remember the pain?
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youre insane —
Cesiums strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!

Dont take it out in the rain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youll always remember the pain.
Youre insane!
Youre insane!
Youre insane —

— Songs of Cesium #13

The last words of a chemist:

19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25… 26… 27…

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!

REAL ANSWERS FROM EARTH SCIENCE EXAMS

The terrestrial planets are much larger than the gas giants.

Wegener found matching bedbugs on opposite sides of the Atlantic.

The main problem associated with limestone aquifers is Lyme disease.

We dont have rock salt on Guam because that forms from from evaporation of oceans and we dont have oceans on Guam.

Erie, Pennsylvania has no volcanoes because its too cold there.

The most important agent of landscape formation on Guam is greyhounds – they are intelligent.

We know that the sun is much farther away from us than the moon is, because we can see stars between us and the sun, but not between us and the moon.

The rear end of a trilobite is called a trilobutt.