Lab Reports
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
isnt it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…

Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

— Songs of Cesium #76

Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of Silver Bells)

Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
its chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
soon it will be chemistry day.

Take your nitrate, in solution
Add your copper with style
In the beaker theres a feeling of reactions
silver forming, blue solution
Bringing oohs ahs and wows
now the data procesing begins.

Get the mass, change to moles
what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
were glad its Chemistry Day.

Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. — Mike Adams

Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.

Remember, if youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate!

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and died of an overdose.

How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. Thats what organic chemists are for!

It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue. –quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)

Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative logaritm is linear with 1/T — D.L. Bunker

Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

Why Dont We Mix Up the Two

(Tune, Why dont we get drunk…
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

Ive got a pound of Cesium,
Its burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But its noise I want to hear.
So darlin bring some water,
A couple pintsll do.
And why dont we mix up the two?

Why dont we mix up the two?
Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say Ive got a death wish,
But honey, Im just blue.
So why dont we mix up the two?

—Songs of Cesium #29

Cesium

Cesium, tis of thee,
Thy positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

—Songs of Cesium #65

Im Dreaming of a White Precipitate

Im dreaming of a white precipitate
just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
and the chemist is livid
to see impurities in the snow.

Im dreaming of a white precipitate
with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
and may all your reactions be bright.

O Come All Ye Gases

O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.

O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.

Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldnt put it down?

Whats the formula for water? -H-two-O Whats the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBED

Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron

The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.

Their idea of a catalyst:

2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar

Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.

Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because its polar.

Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?
His business went insolvent.

Q: Whats the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.

what do you call a science joke?

STUPID.