A
small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly
becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the
female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available
for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a redneck janitor with a
proposition. “Would you be willing to have sex
with this gorilla for $500?” he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three
conditions: “First, I don’t want to have
to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone
about this.” The zookeeper agrees to the conditions
and asks about the third.
“Well,” says the janitor, “I’m
gonna need another week to come up with the $500.”

A guy from Texas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she cant touch it til shes 14.How can you tell if a Louisiana redneck is married? Theres dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pick-up truck.Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Oklahoma to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Texas? Documentaries.Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the driver, Got any I.D.? and the driver replies Bout wut?Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.The governors mansion in Alabama burned down! Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books — poof! — up in flames and he hadnt even finished coloring one of them.A new law was recently passed in Mississippi: When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.

All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

A stake sandwich…

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While hes in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that youve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While hes in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say We hate Christmas, and Go away Santa.

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

(To The Tune Of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer)

Rudolph the red nosed wino,

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you got too close to him,

He would take off his clothes.

All of the other winos,

Used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph,

Join in any wino games.

Then one chilly Christmas Eve,

Rudolph froze to death in an alley.

End of story.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor?
Answer:
The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

On
Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at
a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny
new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike youve got
there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."

Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that
bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid
a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took th

The cop said, "e ticket, but before he rode off
he said, "By the way, thats a nice horse you
got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure
did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to
put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

The new University of Georgia Campus Phone books arrived last month, with an AOL start up disk attached to each book. Now, thousands of AOL diskettes exist on the University campus, with most students at a loss as to what they can do with them. Here are a few suggestions given by a fellow UGA student …

— Original message —

Question: So what do you guys do with the AOL promo discs that seem to be everywhere? What can you do? Ive got about 3 of them now, and dont really want to throw them away. Thanks!

Ans the answer:

Use them as coaters at your christmas parties and social occasions.

Decorate the tree with them. Also useful for this are promotional CD-ROMs.

Tile your bathroom walls! They also make an attractive and functional kitchen countertop.

Give them to kids as frisbees.

Subscribe to AOL! Wait a sec, what am I thinking? Nevermind that one, weve got MUSIC.

For those of you celebrating Haunakkah (sp?), drive nail through center: Instant Dredel!

Chew toys for the dog.

Make a mobile for over the babys crib: Motion of info-packed magnetic media fosters early intellectual activity in the developing mind.

Post-it-notes? Forget it! AOL disks are much more durable, cheaper and readily available.

Send them as Christmas gifts to your worst enemies!

Washington Post – Invitational Challenge was to come up with terribly inappropriate Christmas gift ideas.

Honorable Mentions:
Supersoaker 9000:For use on those hard to reach targets; NFL referees, low flying planes, and many more. At close range it can strip paint clean rusty grills, and dig utility trenches.
The Laff-O-Minit Jajic Spellin Tootor Doggie Dentist:Kids learn about dentistry on the family pooch.
Cuisin-Art:Turns mommys food processor into a spinning paint tool.
Water Retention Wanda:Teaches kids the principles of the calendar.
Advanced Play Medical Kit:Includes colonoscope and speculum.
Chocolate:Covered lead soldiers.
Bungeroo:Kid sized bungee kit for second story bedrooms.
Islamic Strip Poker:Lose a hand, lose a hand.
And the winners are:
4th Runner Up:Lil Naturalist Hornet Farm
3rd Runner Up:A Pee Wee Herman pull toy
2nd Runner Up:The Duncan Yo – Goes down, never comes back. Teaches children about warranties.
1st Runner Up:5,200 pick up – a jumbo deck of cards that lets kids play a larger version of their favorite game.
Winner:The Learn About Puberty Chia Pet